God's Blog, The Big Guy In The Sky

Off to Word Press!

2006-01-08T14:16:00.000-05:00

Hey everyone...I'm still here but I've moved everything over to my new home at www.bigguyinthesky.wordpress.com.

So pop in over there and we can continue the fun we began here.

NBC has a set of balls that would choke Jenna Jameson...

2006-01-05T21:48:00.000-05:00

Hi all...God here again.

This little news story popped up on my desk and I thought it was too interesting to pass on commenting about.

Here's the skinny...

2 TV Stations Refuse To Air 'The Book Of Daniel'

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. -- Two stations are refusing to air NBC's new series, "The Book of Daniel," which debuts Friday.

On its Web site, WTWO in Terre Haute, Ind., said its decision is "due to e-mails and calls from viewers."

In addition, KARK-TV in Little Rock, Ark., has decided not to air the program.

"After careful consideration, watching the program and most importantly listening to our viewers and engaging them in dialogue, we have decided not to air the NBC program," read a statement on the KARK Web site.

"The Book of Daniel" is about an Episcopal priest with a drug-dealing daughter and two sons, one gay and the other promiscuous. The priest and his wife have substance abuse problems, and he's shown having regular chats with a hip, therapeutic Jesus.

The American Family Association's Don Wildmon predicts that viewer protests will prompt more stations to cancel the show.
"We are tired of NBC's anti-Christian bigotry," Wildmon said.

The WTWO general manager said he won't let the network "make unilateral decisions affecting our viewers."

Wow...NBC has either finally grown a set of balls or the guy in charge of programming has lost his fucking mind...to be honest I can't tell which one it is.

But I can understand why mainstream Christianity might be upset at the shows premise. I mean they don't want you to see a TV show about religion that's so steeped in reality.

But enough of that...let's examine the complaints against the show.

"'The Book of Daniel' is about an Episcopal priest with a drug-dealing daughter and two sons, one gay and the other promiscuous.'

Let me tell you a little about the children of clergy members...you think you had an oppressive upbringing and your Mom and Dad were unwilling to let you get out and experience life...you just don't know baby. "Preacher's Kids" are subverted and controlled from such an early age that when they finally let go they go completely nuts. The stories I could tell you about the sweet prechers daughter and her after-church activities. They're certainly make for interesting viewing. This is right on folks...there's no anti-christian bias here. This is simply a truthful phenomenon within a lot of extremely religious families.

And whether or not you want to believe it, homosexuality is a fucking fact of life. Of course homosexuals exist in religious families...religious families are made up of people just like you, and people just like you are gay. There's no stigma attached to it except by the folks who unfortunately think they speak for me. Let me ask you something seriously...if homosexuality was bad then why would I allow it to exist? Didn't I create the entire universe and everything in it? Can something exist in my universe unless I allow it? The answer's easy folks...no, it can't. Love is love...I hate to resort to a bumber sticker analogy but it's so apt that nothing else fits...Love is love. Come on, grow up humanity.

"The priest and his wife have substance abuse problems...'

Well of course they have problems...real, meaningful problems. Can you imagine having to deal with the things these people have to face every day? Even with an abiding and deep love of what they do it can be overwhelming to anyone. Do you honestly expect me to sit here and tell you that I don't get bummed out over some of the inane shit you folks do to each other. Is it any wonder some of the clergymen and women turn to things that can take the edge off their lives? Do you think we've got the rash of child molestation in the preisthood because these guys are well-adjusted and normal members of society? Wake up folks...that's not an easy gig. Whether you agree or believe or not...you have to admit...that's a tough way to make a living. Sometimes real people get involved with things that have consequences and the clergy are made up of real people.

...and he's shown having regular chats with a hip, therapeutic Jesus."

How shall I phrase this...I know. Hello! That's what Jesus was sent for...to be someone to look to in times of trouble. It's ok to redo the bible every 6 months to soften the "language" and make it more "accesible" but it's not ok to envision Jesus Christ as a more mainsteam figure? If Jesus can't relate to your problems then how is he supposed to offer any spiritual guidence to you?!?! Of course he's therapeutic...that's his whole job. Jesus is a heavenly Therapist.

"We are tired of NBC's anti-Christian bigotry,"

Anti-Christian bigotry? You consider showing the real lives, trials and tribulations of a moral, christian family to be "anti-christian"...what they're doing is showing people that for all your posturing and pontificating you're really just like everyone else. Isn't that what really bothers you?

That's what this is really all about folks. They're afraid of losing all the theological power and superiority over people who in actuality are just as fucked up and in need of help as they are.

Human desires and failings are the great equalizer...no matter how pious someone may act, they're confronted with the same base desires and temptations as anyone else.

The reason I made it that way was in the vain hope that they'd never think themselves above the people they're supposed to be reaching out to...but as I've already stated, they do anyway.

"The Book of Daniel", the show that christianity doesn't want you to see...pull up a chair and take a peek behind the curtain.

It'll do the theological community a world of good if everyone gets to see beyond their bullshit and into the eyes of the men and women themselves.

Isn't confession good for the soul?

The Devil Has A Name...Diablo II

2006-01-02T17:09:00.000-05:00

We're going through a rough patch at the Jehovah household.

Satan, being the sneaky bastard that he is, has managed to infiltrate and seduce my wife into the hellish world that I call Diablo II...again.

It all started innocently enough, she and I were enjoying our days off at the end of December (notice that I don't say Christmas, mainly due to the fact that Christmas has about as much to do with me as Easter does to the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins) when she casually asks me...

"Honey...where are the Diablo CD's for our computers?"

I knew things were headed downhill almost immediately.

"Uh...I think they're in your office sugarpop...why are you looking for them?"

I held my breath and waited...please don't ask for them...please don't ask for them...

"Can you go see if you can find them? I think I might start playing on my laptop for awhile."

Damn you Satan...why can't you leave me the hell alone?!?!

Let me tell you about this guy Satan...or should I say Luci...yeah, that real name's not quite so scary is it? He thought "Luci" was too feminine sounding and the first thing he did when I asked him to leave was come up with some new names in order to sound more imposing and threatening...so "Luci" became "Lucifer". What a freakin' poser...seriously. You're an angel who dresses in white, carries around a stinkin' harp, is both male and female at the same time and loves Liberace. Well you're not fooling me "Satan", and if they rest of the Cosmos feels the need to fall for your cheap tricks and over the top theatrics then that's their business, but we both know about the time you hit your elbow on my golden throne and cried like a baby for 300 years. Yeah...I haven't forgotten, you big fuckin' baby.

So anyway, after I escorted Luci to the door he got all pissy and decided he was going to make my life as miserable as possible. But since he knew he had about as much power over me as Bill O'Reilly has over the American People he decided to be a real big badass and go after humanity. He knows I've got a softspot for you crazy little things and he also knows my deep and abiding love of liberty, individuality and the freedom of choice. He knew I wouldn't directly oppose the moronic stunts and ideals he would perpetrate on humanity because I'd be subverting the very ideals and dreams I'd built into each and everyone of you thereby pushing you further from me and closer towards him.

He knew (or thought he knew) that he'd basically have carté blanché to do whatever he liked...what he didn't expect (because I'm God, I make rules for breakfast you silly mofo) was my deployment of Jesus to Earth in order to give him a little competition. All's fair in love and war you satanic sissy.

But that's a different subject entirely...back to Diablo II.

Luci started getting involved with things that were "fun", things you all enjoyed doing...such as music, entertainment, etc. He basically took anything that you enjoyed doing and added his own unique influence to it.

How about an example? Sex is a prime example of what I'm talking about. Sure it was a population enhancing tool but it was also damn fun...I made sure that everyone would have a good time. Guys and girls could have fun with other guys and girls and there was nothing but fun to be had. But then Luci started adding all these variations...animals, dead bodies, insects, rape, incest...the list goes on and on. I can't tell you how distressing it is to see some of the stuff Luci came up with in practice.

I mean Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline? Dude...that's just wrong.

So Luci started gaining footholds in all the entertainment media which eventually included video games. He even thought it was funny to help develop a game called Diablo for PC and Macintosh. I'm not laughing you unoriginal bastard.

Now, humanity loved the hell out of the game Diablo but so did my wife who was the true and intended target of the insidiousness known as Diablo. She took to it like a duck takes to water.

So now, every 6 months or so my house is filled with clacking of her keyboard and the innumerable and incessent grunts and groans of little demons as she methodically slaughters them into the wee hours of the night. To make matters worse she's loaded the stinkin' thing onto her laptop which she can play while sitting in bed...the same bed that a certain omnipotent deity is trying to get some well deserved sleep.

So you've all been wondering why we've had 27 hurricanes this year, which sets a new meteorological record? Let me break it down for you...

That's right...Diablo.

I cannot wait until I get my hands on that scrawny little satanic neck of his...I'm sooo pissed.

God gives a quick review of "Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire"

2005-11-28T21:53:00.000-05:00

Hello my children!

First let me state that I never intended to wait so long between posts but as Steve Miller once said "Time keeps on slippin', slippin'...into the future".

So anyway the Mrs. and I assumed human guises (Hey, it always worked for Zeus...that's a Greek Mythology reference for you uneducated losers out there, and yes I'm talking to you Steve H. in Ohio) and shuffled off to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on opening weekend. We both had quite the time and she enjoyed the movie as much as I did. She still steadfastly refuses to read the books (Don't ask me why, even God doesn't understand the complexities of the female mind) so she didn't notice the changes scattered throughout the 2 and a half hour Potter-fest.

My opinion of the film is that it's now my favorite of the series, eclipsing the previous film Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Goblet of Fire seems to be less flashy then Prisoner of Azkaban, in that installment it almost seemed like the director, Alfonso Cuarón, was so giddy at having the enormous budget to play with that he couldn't resist adding all kinds of technical/cinematic wizardry just because he could. Goblet of Fire was much more straightforward and unassuming, which worked quite nicely.

As in the other films, the cast are spot on...I simply can't imagine anyone else but Rupert Grint as "Ron Weasley" and while Daniel Radcliffe is still kinda wooden in scenes he's really the only person I now see as "Harry Potter". Looking at Emma Watson makes me feel like a dirty, dirty Diety...she's gonna be so hot when she gets older...trust me folks, I know things. "Mad-Eye Moody", as played by Brendan Gleeson, absolutely rocks and I love every minute he's onscreen.

All in all the only complaints I have with the film are that there's too little of Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman and Jason Isaacs and the surprise "twist" (as though anyone, except my wife, didn't already know what it entailed) was kind of blown about 45 minutes from the end. Also, despite everyone else's opinion I don't care for Ralph Fiennes as "Lord Voldemort"...I think Tim Roth or Pierce Brosnan would've been a much better choice...both those guys can be scary. Who exactly could be scared of a dude who's name is pronounced "Raif" for Heaven's sake?

In closing, I rather enjoyed my latest visit to The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and I'm really looking forward to the next film Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. If Hollywood keeps crankin' these Potter movies out at the rate of one a year they'll be breathing down J.K.'s back for that seventh book pretty soon. She'd better get busy and start pounding out that first draft.

As an all-knowing being it's been particularly hard to block out the ending of the series but so far I've managed it. That's the great thing about being undisputed master of all things...you can actually limit your knowledge about things you'd rather not know about. Such as the ending of the Potter books, the secret of the island on Lost and what kind of "O" face Vice President Dick Cheney makes.

It comes in handy as hell, lemme tell ya.

I slipped once and accidentally caught Bea Arthur in the shower...I'm still trying to recover from that trauma.

So until next time, remember the words of Bill and Ted, "Be excellent to each other and party on dudes!"

Settle down children...I'm still here.

2005-10-16T11:05:00.000-04:00

So I've been picking up a lot of anxiety amongst the faithful regarding the lack of missives from a certain omnipotent universal creator recently. So, I just want to assure you all that despite what you might have heard, dreamed, or read in the Weekly World News, I am in fact alive and well. I haven't abandoned, forgotten, or discarded you. However, the work I'm doing in the Andromeda Galaxy is progressing quite well and could produce some incredible things.

I'm always astounded at how amazingly self-absorbed Humanity is; do you honest think you folks are they only game in town? Here I am, the creator and maintainer of the multiverse, working away keeping everything running as smoothly as possible and does anyone notice that little fact?

No.

But if you miss a few measley Earth weeks on your blog the whole human populace goes all Courntey Love on your ass.

Nobody notices that the sun came up on time for the last 2 months. No one says a word about the fact Nature kept right on doing it's thing. Who do you think is doing all that work, Rodney Dangerfield? Talk about getting no respect...damn.

Listen folks, I've been around a long, long time. I'm not going anywhere. Just because I don't post on my blog for a few weeks doesn't mean that the universe has been plunged headlong into disorder. Have a little faith will ya.

Time for me is different then it is for you. Have you ever read the Bible? Of course you haven't...that was a rhetorical question (Louis from Maine, go to Merriam Webster's website for the definition of "rhetorical". You really should've paid closer attention in school. Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son.) Anyway, back to my thought. In that little publication called the Bible, you know the most popular book in the history of books, I tell you that one of my days is like 10,000 years. So, you can understand my dismay at how worked up some of you have gotten about 3 or 4 lousy weeks of not posting here.

Get over yourselves...I'm busy.

But, I do understand where you're coming from. I've let my public relations department, aka The Church, do a pretty piss poor job of letting you all know what's going on with the Big G, hence the need for this blog.

So, in order to calm your fears and concerns I would like to announce that I will begin posting on a semi-regular basis. Now don't hold me to anything, I am God after all. I won't be subject to a schedule like a baseball game or car maintenance.

I'd seal our pact with a rainbow like I did with Noah after I promised not to flood the Earth again, but that would kinda detract from the statement I was making to humanity.

So I guess you'll just have to trust me.

Why so quiet?

2005-08-30T22:50:00.000-04:00

Well I've been inundated with prayers about why I've "forsaken" my blog.

I haven't gone anywhere children. I simply don't have anything to say right now.

The Celestial Office has been demanding quite a bit of my time recently and when I manage to drag my Heavenly Persona back to "Casa Jehovah" all I want to do is sit back and relax with Mrs. God, play a little Xbox, pet the dog and watch Family Guy DVD's.

I'm fortunate in that I can turn my omnipotence "off" once I get home otherwise I'd be thinking about work all night...and that makes Mrs. God really cranky. She married Jehovah Yahweh Elohim, which is a big enough hurdle without having to be married to The Almighty Lord God twenty-four hours a day. So I like to "turn it off" when I get home and maintain as normal a life as possible.

So once I've sufficiently rested and relaxed you can rest assured that I'll be posting more soon.

Now on to more pressing matters...

My heartfelt sympathies go out to everyone affected by Hurricane Katrina. I'm especially thinking about those poor souls in Louisiana. I know some of you may be wondering why I'm allowing something as heartwrenching as this to occur but you must realize that nature has to be allowed to run her course.

I stalled Katrina out in the ocean for as long as was feasible, giving everyone plenty of time and opportunity to make preparations. So as harsh as it may seem, those who decided to "ride out" the storm are now doing so.

I'd say that was a pretty bad decision on their part but hey, I gave you all free will for a reason. If you want to exercise it at a really bad time...like now...then who am I to talk you out of it.

Be safe out there and I'll talk to you all soon.

Oh, before I forget...Aaron, if you don't stop picking on your sister she's going to tell Mom about your Playboy collection and your unnatural attraction to Bea Arthur. Consider yourself warned young man.

Carry on...

I couldn't have said it better myself...

2005-08-09T22:46:00.000-04:00

This ladies and gentlemen is what I like to call "righteous indignation".

Take notes...this is how you put together a professional level rant.

NASCAR lovers unite against the evil that is Kurt Busch! Satan is a pussy next to the all consuming evil of the "man" known as Kurt Busch.

Kurt. Fucking. Busch.

Some random insanity...

2005-08-05T23:58:00.000-04:00

I saw a funny headline a couple of days ago...wrap your minds around this one for a second

Young Boys Wankdorf erection relief

Now let me explain...the article attached to that headline is about a new stadium called the "Wankdorf", being built for a Swiss Soccer team called the "Young Boys". How the hell they came up with this particular headline is beyond even the wisest mortal man. I'm God and even I can't believe someone actually thought that was a good idea for a headline. This appeared on ESPN.com by the way. So apparantly they're got a comedian writing copy for them.

While we're talking about shit that doesn't make any sense, I offer up for examination the lyrics from R. Kelly's R&B Opera "In the Closet, Part 2". Please be prepared, cheesy song stylings are ahead :

Well now he's staring at me like as if he was staring in the mirror
She yells, "Honey let me explain"
He says, "You don't have to go no further"
"I can clearly see what's going on behind my back, in my bed, in my home"
Then I said, "wait a minute now hold on"
I said, "Mister we can work this out"
She said "honey don't lose control"
I tried to get him to calm down
He said "oh I should have known
That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt"
I said "we need to resolve this"
And he stepped to me I'm like "whoa
There's a reason I'm in this closet"
He says "yeah? What are you talking clothes?"
"I met this girl at the bodja club and she told me she didn't have a man"
Then he said "man please I'd kill you if you didn't have that gun in your hand"
And then I said "but your chick chose me"
He said "don't give me that mack shit please"
His phone goes off and then things get a little more interesting
He steps a little closer I point my gun and say "I'm not the one you after"
He says "something I bet you didn't know my man... Did she tell you that I was a pastor?"
I said "well good that's better right? Why can't we handle this Christian-like?"
And I started to put the gun down until I saw his face still had a frown
She started crying, saying "baby I'm sorry"
Then he said "baby not as sorry as you're gonna be"
I started inching out
He says "no I want you to see this"
He said "I gotta get out this house, and not 'til I reveal this secret"
I'm like "what is going on inside his head?"
Then he takes his phone and calls someone up himself
"Hello" (hello?)
"Baby?" (aha)
"Turn the car around" (what's going on over there?)
"Listen, I just need for you to get right back here now"
He looks at me and says "well since we're all coming out the closet
I'm not about to be the only one that's broken-hearted"
She said "what do you mean?"
He said "just wait and see"
I said "somebody better talk to me"
And then his phone rings
He picks up and somebody says "sweetheart I'm downstairs"
And he's like "I'll buzz you up
I'm on the 5th floor hurry take the stairs"
And I'm like "who is this mystery lady that you're talking to?"
And he says "in time you both will know the shocking truth
Baby this is something I've been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time"
And I said "nigga I'm gonna shoot you both if you don't say what's on your mind"
He said "wait I hear somebody coming up the stairs"
And I'm looking at the door
He says "I think you better sit down in the chair"
I said "I'm gonna count to 4"
"1..."
he says "mister wait!"
"2..."
he says "please don't shoot"
"3..."
he says "don't shoot me"
"4..."
She screams
Then a knock on the door
The gun's in my hand
He opens the door
I'll be goddammned it's a man
(man... man... man...)

I'm not sure where to begin...this is absolutely the worst song ever committed to a recording. The only thing worse then the lyrics for this poor ass excuse for a song is hearing the master of the Golden Shower, R. Kelly sing this musical monstrosity. I cannot impress upon you the velvetta cheese factor involved with this thing. If you're surfing by MTV sometime, hang out and if you're lucky (?) you might catch the video. Mrs. God and I sat dumbstruck as it played. Just imagine how bad it sounds right here and realize that the real thing is even worse then that.

What I love about the lyrics is this little passage right here :

He steps a little closer I point my gun and say "I'm not the one you after"
He says "something I bet you didn't know my man... Did she tell you that I was a pastor?"
I said "well good that's better right? Why can't we handle this Christian-like?"

So let me get this straight, a guy found with a married woman by her husband and carrying a gun has the audacity to ask "Why can't we handle this Christian-like?" to a pastor? What the fuck?

While we're talking about things that don't add up, seeing skinny ass, non threatening R. Kelly with his head all in cornrows, dressed like a Scarface wannabe and waving a gun around is about as funny as anything I've ever seen. I doubt he has the strength in his fingers to pull the trigger on that gun, much less the balls to actually shoot someone. So on the "intimidation scale" I'm going to have to give R. Kelly a minus 4.

Snoop Dogg, Doctor Dre, Tupac and Suge Knight are scary...R. Kelly not quite so much. Nice try though...it's hard to be afraid of someone who pisses on underage girls and videotapes it for future viewing. Al Capone he ain't.

So until next time children...take care!

God's First Movie Review!

2005-07-31T22:17:00.000-04:00

Friday night I saw Must Love Dogs...or as it should be known...Must Love Diane Lane and John Cusack Enough to Sit Through This Mediocre Movie.

I knew going in that this was a chick flick. I was OK with that. I've been working a lot lately and Mrs. God was missing my divine presence. So I decided to suck it up, be a man and go see a movie that I wasn't especially thrilled about seeing just to spend some time with the wife.

That, ladies and gentlemen, was a mistake. I should've gone to see Sky High instead.

I guess as chick flicks go this one was OK...I almost feel asleep at one point which is never good news for a movie, chick flick or not. I've seen plenty of chick flicks before but never felt the urge to go to sleep in the theatre.

On the plus side, John Cusack and Diane Lane felt good together. They seemed to have a good chemistry onscreen but sadly there was not enough of their moments together to make the movie interesting. But I did find myself wanting them to be together so I guess the movie worked in that respect. But I only wanted them together because the movie actually seemed to live and breathe when they were together.

The acting was not stellar, considering Diane was up for an Oscar a few years ago. John was...well he was John. He's cool and quirky but basically the same character in every flick.

The worst part of this movie was without a doubt Dermot Mulroney. I could call his acting "wooden" or "cardboard" but I'm not sure those terms do his acting "style" justice. Every scene he's in made me laugh...and not in a good way. How does this guy get work in movies?

The dialogue was contrived in parts but hell, I knew I wasn't in for something that was going to change my existence.

If I had to rate it I would give it...Four out of Twelve Disciples.

I wish I could tell you it's better then that but at least you can look at smoking hot Diane Lane for 90 minutes. So it's not all bad.

Until next time children!

The worst kept secret in the history of the Universe.

2005-07-30T22:18:00.000-04:00

The time has come for me to enlighten you to the worst kept secret in all of Creation.

I...God make mistakes.

I know, I was surprised to find out about it myself, so I dare say that none of you are more upset about it then I am. The prospect of me being a little on the imperfect side weighs heavily on divine mind too.

I've got a lot of "irons in the fire" as you say on Earth. There's a ton of decisions that all have to be made immediately and I've got to make them. So, I do the best I can (which is usually pretty damn good if I do say so myself) with the time alloted to the particular instance. So far my record has been pretty good, but there are some glaring mistakes out there.

Want an example of one of God's mistakes? Then try this one on for size faithful reader.

When animals are born they are usually up and walking around in a matter of hours or days. They are given basically everything they need to know in order to survive. There's no learning how to walk, speak, hunt, feed themselves or anything like that...they basically just "know" how to do it. I've bred instinct into them that allows then to be virtually self sufficient in an amazingly short period of time.

But, when a human child is born, it's virtually immobile for months at a time and doesn't even have the most basic instinctual mental coding. All they do is lay there and cry. They have to learn how to talk, walk, feed themselves...everything must be learned. The only instincts that are hard wired into their brains are "eat, shit and sleep". Now stop and think about that for a minute. Does that make any sense at all? An animal is damn near capable of taking care of itself in a matter of days and you've still got to wipe your babies ass for 6 months. Mankind is the dominant and favored life form on the planet but animals enter life better prepared then you do.

That, ladies and gentlemen is a mistake...plain and simple.

I screwed up and should've handled that better. But live and learn I always say. That's why I need good, intelligent people up here. People who can watch out for any holes in my divine plans or flaws in my impressive logic.

I like to gather my team together and brainstorm on some possible solutions to any particular problem. So while I'm in the middle of making these decisions I'll talk out loud..."What about if I did this?" and what I need at that point is someone to go "yeah...that's perfect" or "are you crazy?". I need people around who give me honest input and are not afraid to differ with my point of view. There is no place in Heaven for a kiss-ass.

All the kiss-asses on Earth have no place in my Heavenly council. They might make it past the Pearly Gates depending on what St. Pete finds in the Book of Life but that doesn't mean that I'll ever ask for their opinions on anything.

God Says...watch the Daily Show. It's a religious experience.

2005-07-26T23:49:00.000-04:00

I've gotta tell you folks. If you're missing the <I>Daily Show with Jon Stewart</I> then you're missing some of the best comedy on the planet. The only thing funnier is watching George W. Bush try to talk intelligibly during speeches. But I'm telling you, Jon Stewart's program is running a very close second.

Jon Stewart is a future employee of mine no doubt. Once he gets up here he's going to become an integral part of Heaven's Communication Department.

I can already see John the Baptist furrowing his brow at the thought of being supplanted by the honorable Mr. Stewart but he's got no need to worry. I'm not going to brush aside 2,000 years of seniority quite that easily. But I can certainly see Mr. Stewart becoming quite an asset in the Communications Department here in Heaven. I'm sure that once Johnny the B (that's what I call him...it's so much snazzier then "John the Baptist") has Stewart working for him he'll see the value that Jon can add to our operation.

First of all, Jon's not afraid to call you on your bullshit. If you get on his show and start talking some wacky non-sensical ultraconservative crap then he's going to call you on it. But, while he's calling you on it he's going to treat you with the same level of respect you give him. That means as long as you're cool with him, he'll be cool with you. But don't get all pissy with him because he'll beat your punk ass down and make you look like a fool at the same time.

I'm a no bullshit kind of deity and I like to surround myself with like minded individuals. Jon Stewart definitely fits that description. Let me tell you something, the last thing I need while I'm trying to run the Universe is a bunch of freakin' ass kissers. I've seen how well that works thank you very much and I've got no interest in playing that pointless little game.

With the inevitable addition of Jon Stewart all I need to do is persuade George Carlin to come work for me.

A God can dream can't he?

Tempt not the Lord thy God.

2005-07-24T13:52:00.000-04:00

Normally I don't post on Sunday, but this is a special circumstance.

As I was sitting around the Heavenly Residence, surfing the internet and checking my e-mail, I received a message from blogexplosion.com that someone had posted a comment about God's Blog, The Big Guy In The Sky. I rushed to the site and found to my surprise that the person leaving the comment had apparently not enjoyed their visit at all. So they posted this comment...

Anonymous Idiot : "This blog claims to be entertaining. Instead, it is drole and the concept is rather contrived."

Well as you can all imagine, I could hardly let that pass unanswered. So I visited the website of the person who left the comment and discovered that he's a law student, a republican and, this is simply my impression of him, a pompous and arrogant prick.

So then I went back to blogexplosion.com and added a reply to his comment with some insight of my own...

God : "First of all, you misspelled the word "droll". Which I would expect no less from a law student. Secondly, you seem to have attached a negative connotation to the word when it's defined as "comical in an odd or whimsical manner". So what you're saying is that my blog is "comical in an odd or whimsical manner" and "showing effects of planning or manipulation, or artificial: artificially formal". Sounds kind of mismatched to me. So in summation, don't try to impress the Almighty with big words when you clearly can't spell them and have no clue as to their meaning. When you do that it makes God cranky. Have a pleasant day chuckles."

The Almighty loves to hear your opinions in regards to this blog. We don't always have to agree but we can always be polite and literate in our discourses. But, I must insist that if you're going to comment on something I've done at least be intelligent enough to be able to express your opinion clearly. If not, then I don't have much patience for your dumb ass.

AND NOW, FOR YOUR GIGGLING PLEASURE...
GOD PRESENTS THE FUNNIEST HEADLINE EVER...

I saw this on yahoo.com last night...this is priceless.

"Depp's 'Chocolate Factory' has tasty opening"

I laughed for about 15 minutes. Maybe it was because I was tired...but this is the funniest headline I've ever had the pleasure of reading. Just imagine how many people saw it and thought it was a wonderful and witty lead in to a story. Did no one stop and go "wait a minute...that sounds kinda weird now that I think about it"?

I'm back folks!

2005-07-23T09:33:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the lack of posts the last couple of days.

Mrs. God was feeling a bit under the weather so I've been spending time with her once I get home from the office. But rest easy in knowing that my thoughts were with you all.

So, what's happened that needs commenting on?

GTA : San Andreas :
Well, the American Government gave GTA : San Andreas an "adults only" rating because there's a hidden sex scene in the PC version. That's right. The scene is, as of now anyway, totally unaccessable from any of the platform systems. PC game owners have to download a patch in order to get to the hidden scene. Apparantly it's perfectly OK to kill people/cops, steal cars, and basically be an ultraviolent little prick, but as soon as you start showing the little pixelated characters having sex then you've crossed the line. So once again America has given the go-ahead to extreme violence but put the kibosh on sexual activity. What exactly do these people think is so wrong with sex that it should be banned but death, murder and destruction are perfectly acceptable? I'm sorry, I just don't see the logic there at all.

Supreme Court Nominee John G. Roberts :
After Sandra Day O'Connor announced her retirement, the world has waited breathlessly to see which Bible Thumping Puritan would be picked by "W" to take her place. There wasn't much of a wait, and we were all introduced to John Roberts in short order. I don't know about the rest of America but when I heard Tom DeLay talking about what a fine moral man Roberts was I simply shook my head in disbelief. The beauty of picking "moral" men like Roberts is that it completely obscures the necessary line between the division of Church and State. Face it, countries that allow their Religious leaders to run them simply do not work...case in point, Afganistan.

James "Scotty" Doohan Dies
There's all kinds of funny little quips I could use in writing this. The inevtiable "beam me up" being first and foremost in my omniescient mind. But I'll not use any of them. From the viewpoint of your deity, I've always appreciated what Mr. Roddenberry had created in the idea of Star Trek. The world he portrayed was a virtual utopia. There was no money, no political/religious squabbles...simply mankind finally reaching the pinnacle of their development. Now granted, the ultimate goal of mankind in my mind is not to fly around in a space ship and pop in on every developing civilization in the cosmos. But the underlying themes of tolerence, acceptance and harmony are quite appealing to me. Would things really be that bad if humanity did turn out that way? There's no denying that Mr. Doohan was a large part of the Star Trek mythos, and there's also no denying that at the moment you need your heroes. Unfortunately, I needed Mr. Doohan up here with me.

That's all for now...things look to be a little slow today so I may pop back over to the house and check on the little lady. Maybe I'll settle down and play some Star Wars : Knights of the Old Republic. I am hopelessly addicted to that game.

I'm still trying to decide how to get back at Satan for greenlighting the Smurfs...don't think I'm going to let that go unanswered.

Damn you Satan!

2005-07-20T23:22:00.000-04:00

As I was doing some surfing today I stumbled upon the following story. Due to the obvious Satanic nature of this piece of disturbing news I have no doubt that my archrival Satan is hard at work.

Damn him.

So here's the news, brace yourselves...it's not pretty :

Smurfs Movie Announced

July 19, 2005 - They're four apples high... and headed to the big screen.

The Smurfs are headed to the big screen courtesy of Paramount Pictures – that's according to today's edition of industry insider mag Variety.

The studio has reportedly acquired the film rights to the classic toon characters and plans to develop a 3-D computer-animated film through Nickelodeon Movies. Jordan Kerner will produce and Paramount has hired Herb Ratner (Mr. Lucky) to pen the screenplay.

Assuming the film is successful, Paramount will release two more Smurfs flicks. The first is tentatively slated to drop in 2008 – that'll coincide with the 50th anniversary of the characters.

The Smurfs were created by Peyo Culliford in 1958, but didn't become an international sensation until the animated series appeared on NBC in 1981.

Ok, so in my opinion that's a cheap shot...even for Satan.

I mean, the world has been forced to endure the sickeningly cute smurfs once already. But reviving them to torture a new generation of defenseless children is a sign of evil that I've only glimpsed from Satan on very few occasions.

Well I'll tell you one thing, I don't feel smurfy about the news...not one bit.

Damn you Satan. I'll not take this lying down.

The insidiousness of his plan is all too apparent to me...first Garfield, now The Smurfs. Knowing Lucifer the way I do his scheming doesn't end there. Before you know it we'll be enduring a veritable "renaissance" of these shitty old children's shows.

Today, The Smurfs. Tomorrow, Strawberry Shortcake.

Well now I'm pissed. Satan is going down...again!

Are you familiar with "the Shocker"?

2005-07-19T21:19:00.000-04:00

So I was surfing a couple of days ago and ran upon the following story, I almost shot milk out of my nose...and I wasn't even drinking milk :

The Strange Case of the Hanover High Shocker

So, after doing some more digging on this emerging cultural phenomenon, I found the following information at our handy, dandy friend Wikipedia...Keep in mind this is word for word from their website.

The shocker is a hand gesture with a sexual connotation that has become popularized in many high schools throughout the United States. To create the gesture the ring finger and thumb are closed while the other fingers are left open. The gesture is a vulgarism that references a sexual act: Inserting the index and middle fingers into a vagina, and the pinky finger into the nearby anus (the "shocker").
It is also known as:
"Two in the pink, one in the stink."
"Two in the coot, one in the boot."
"Going to town, with one in the brown."
"Two in the bush, one in the tush."
"Two in the slut, one in the butt."
"Two in the grass, one in the ass."
"Two in the split, one where she shits."
"Dos en el rosado, y uno en el morado."
"Two in the goo, one in the poo."
"Two in the cake, one in the pudding."

Don't believe this is on the wikipedia.com site? Then just click here you doubting Thomas. Yeah, I bet you feel dumb as hell now, don't you.

So I guess the whole reason for my post is that I think this is potentially the funniest thing I've seen since the age of the dinosaurs. I mean, these kids nearly pulled off the crime of the century. Absolutely brilliant. Just imagine a high school yearbook absolutely filled with this obviously filthy gesture. That, my friends, is comedy in it's purest form. You've got to admire their ingenuity, that's for sure.

I think this just goes to show that you should never underestimate the desire of your children to do things that not only you wouldn't approve of, but would horrify the shit out of you as well.

Isn't humanity awesome!

You're welcome.

Sorry about missing Saturday's post!

2005-07-18T22:25:00.000-04:00

I was occupied.

Saturday was Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince day at the Jehovah household.

I snuck out of the office early and got home around 4:15 and started reading around 4:30.

I finished the book a little after 11pm Saturday night.

I can't say too much, since I know some of you haven't read it yet. But let me say that it's quite good and I cannot wait to get my omnipotent hands on the next book, called Harry Potter & the......oh my, I almost ruined the suspense didn't I.

I don't think that Mrs. Rowling would be very happy with her creator if he gave away the title of her upcoming book...before she'd even written it too.

So you'll all just have to take my word for it everyone...it rocks.

Until tomorrow!

A typical day with God.

2005-07-15T21:39:00.000-04:00

I thought I'd do something different by giving you all a glimpse into my day.

A lot of people think that all I do is sit around all day and condemn sinners to Hell, but that's not true. I do a lot of stuff during the course of the day that most of you don't know anything about or even take for granted.

So, here we go!

All of God's daily activities were transcribed by myself, the Prophet Elijah, as I was allowed to document and observe his daily activities.

7:30 AM : God is awakened from his Heavenly slumber by his alarm clock...hits snooze button and goes back to sleep.
7:45 AM : Alarm clock goes off again...God is now pissed, but awake.
8:00 AM : God goes to the bathroom...brushes his teeth, combs his hair and applies "Heavenly Scent" deodorant.
8:30 AM : God joins Mrs. God for a quick breakfast and a briefing on the previous nights events from his Chief of Staff, the Archangel Gabriel.
8:45 AM : God arrives at his office. He checks his e-mail, phone messages and prayer list.
9:00 AM : God goes about determining which prayers should be answered for that day. All prayers asking for more money, material goods, sexual favors, the meaning of life, "why am I here" and increased/decreased sex organ size are summarily ignored.
10:00 AM : Answering the previous days worthy prayers begins. This varies in the amount of time required mainly in direct proportion to the number of ridiculous prayers received that day.
11:30 AM : God finishes answering all the previous days prayers and walks over to the Universal Maintenance Offices for a meeting with the head Universe Engineer, the Archangel Michael. The Universal Maintenance Offices are primarily concerned with monitoring the workings of the Universe and doing minor repairs when necessary. Larger, more complex situations requiring the Divine Hand are passed through Heavens Chief Communications Officer John the Baptist and make their way into God's attention through the Archangel Gabriel.
12:00 PM : With the briefing from the Universal Maintenance Offices complete, God makes his way to the comissary for his daily lunch with the staff. God usually spends the entire hour walking through the hall and speaking to as many of his employees as possible. After picking a seat at a nearby open table, God regales the assembled workers with tales from the Creation and generally thanks them for all their hard work.
1:00 PM : After lunch, God makes his way to the Nursery to spend some time with that days departing babies headed to Earth and the beginning of their Mortal life. He assures them that it will all be over relatively quickly and imparts a few words of wisdom in regards to the pitfalls of free will and assures them that no matter what they might hear on Earth he is, in fact, real.
2:30 PM : God stops by the Pearly Gates to chat with St. Peter and to take a look at that days arrivals and to basically make all the hardcore sinners and aethists crap their pants before they are shuttled off to Hell.
3:30 PM : God's secretary, Mary Magdalene, shows him the next days tentative schedule and he briefs her and Gabriel on any difficulties he sees coming for the days and weeks ahead.
4:30 PM : God now spends the remaining time handling anything that's come up during the day that requires his Divine Intervention. This can sometimes include, but is not limited to Universal adjustments, the creation of new species, thwarting the dastardly plots of his nemesis Lucifer the Morningstar (also known as Satan) and surfing the internet and eBay for anything else that might spark his interest.
6:30 PM : God's day comes to a close. He makes his way home and enjoys a nice quiet meal with Mrs. God. He settles down to watch some TV, read a little or do some more surfing on the internet. Usually at some point during his home time in the evening he updates his blog and shares a little Heavenly insight with his readers.
11:30 PM : God and Mrs, God settle into bed for some well deserved rest...and the process begins again the next morning.

I hope that you all find this informative, today was a rather normal day. Nothing serious happened, no emergencies or anything. All in all it was a quiet and productive day.

I'll see you all tomorrow!

Cooter says "Don't go see the Dukes of Hazard."

2005-07-14T21:47:00.000-04:00

Thanks dude. Like I really needed advice from a man best known to the world as "Cooter" from the Dukes of Hazard.

So why would a man who stands to gain from a resurgence of Dukes of Hazard popularity advise people against going to see the new movie? Simple, he says that with all the "foul language" and "sexual situations", Hollywood has ruined what was once a "family show".

What the hell has this guy been smoking...and is he willing to share? Because I've got a feeling that's some really good shit.

Let's go over the idea of the "original" Dukes of Hazard for a moment shall we?

The story revolves around Bo and Luke Duke. Two social miscreants who have been in more then their fair share of unawful activity. Both of them are on probation for the illegal transportation of homemade corn liquor and they routinely break the law and engage in innumerable dangerous car chases through every conceiveable part of the fictional "Hazard County, Georgia". These felllas can't go to the damn store to pick up a loaf of bread without nearly killing everyone along the way and jumping their modified Dodge Charger (with a Confederate Flag on top by the way...that just screams social consciousness) over every stream/river they can find.

Their uncle is still engaged in the sale and manufacture of illegal corn liquor and not only knows about, but completely condones the actions of his nephews...often helping them in their many illicit schemes.

Their cousin Daisy is often seen in various stages of undress and mercilessly tortures every man she can with her agressive sexual tendencies. Often leaving poor Deputy Enos with an obvious and quite unfortunate case of blue balls.

The county is run by crooked Police and Politicians who attempt every way possible to destroy the Duke family. While trying to evade all the other crooks and con men who come around looking to get even with them.

Wow, that whole show is just absolutely overflowing with "family" values. I can see why ol' Cooter would want to maintain the integrity and artistic vision of all those involved with the original incarnation of the Dukes of Hazard. I can certainly see where today's world needs the strong moral compass that only the Dukes of Hazard can provide.

This is all happening in the same country that went apeshit over a split second glimpse of Janet Jacksons tit, right?

So let me get this straight. It's perfectly ok to have to uneducated, lawbreaking, inbred hicks zoom around in a racecar, hanging out the windows and shooting dynamite laiden arrows at other people, while transporting illegal substances and avoiding the corrupt county officials. But as soon as one of them says "shit", "fuck" or "goddamn" then the entire, wholesome family morality goes right out the window.

You've got to be kidding me, right?

Do us all a favor "Cooter", and shut the hell up.

I know I shouldn't laugh at them...but I just can't help it.

2005-07-13T21:09:00.000-04:00

So it seems the British have finally figured out that the attacks on London were indeed carried out by suicide bombers. Sometimes I simply cannot believe how gullible people can be.

"Strap your bodies with C4 plastic explosives and strike a blow against the Imperialist West!"

Let's examine that idea for a second...I think I may have found a flaw in their plan.

I can see the terrorist brainstorming session going a little something like this :

"Ok, so we've all decided that instead of a more "traditonal" style of warfare, we're going to do something that's just a little bit different. We all figure that people just shooting other people is getting really old. Killing just yourselves in protest doesn't seem like that good an idea, after all, it didn't work worth a damn for the Buddhist Monks during the Vietnam War. If only there was a way to make a "sacrifice" for the cause and get a shitload of attention at the same time.

Hmmm...what should we do?

Wait a minute, I've got it! Let's blow ourselves up in crowded public places! Yeah! That'll show them!

No, no...that'll never work. Eventually we'll run out of dedicated volunteers. You know the same thing happened to the Japanese during WWII when they adopted the "kamikazi" tactic.

Damn...how can we get people excited about blowing themselves up? What we need are alienated and socially awkward young people. They're already in a natural state of rebellion and they're looking for ways to piss off their parents and the world at large. But the problem is that young people are notoriously flakey when it comes to their ideals. They'll change their minds on a moments notice.

What in the world could we use to ply these angry, sociopathic, alienated, hormonal young men? We need something to hook them into our cause.

Hey! What about sex! Yeah...we could promise them sex, lots and lots of sex! That'd keep their asses interested in hanging around and attenting all the meetings. And, as an incentive for them to not back out at the last minute we can offer them...more sex...yeah, in Heaven! Awesome!

We'll tell them 'If you allow us to wire your bodies with copious amounts of high explosives, so you can detonate yourselves at a safe distance from us if you please, we will in turn put in a good word with the staff in Heaven so you can have unending amounts of sex with virgins and whatnot for the rest of eternity!'

Brilliant! Gentlemen, let's go have ourselves a Jihad!"

Sounds crazy don't it?

Except that it works...really, really well.

Here's the problem. Once these "martyrs" arrive at the Pearly Gates and meet my man Pete (St. Peter to the uninitiated) they have a little bit of a shock in store for them.

Before we get into that, let me tell you why people are sorted into Heaven or Hell at the Pearly Gates and not simply while they're in transit from Life to the Afterlife...I like drama. I like to build the suspense and tension a little. There's nothing greater to "put the fear of God" into someone then to have them stand in line just outside of Paradise for a couple of hours. All the while watching the souls in front of them either win entrance to my Hallowed Halls or get flushed to spend a long hot eternity in Hell.

So anyway, these "martyrs" are particularly easy to spot in the line. They're the ones still smoking, with holes all in their clothes and that "Where the fuck are all the virgins?" look in their eyes.

I have to admit, I lean a little onto the edge of my seat and get ready for the show. I know...I'm a bad God.

Once these smoking pricks make their way through Pete's line, the magic moment is upon them...it's showtime folks.

I make my grand entrance...accompanied by beautiful, sensual cherubic attendants. I walk up to them, take their hand, look them dead in the eyes and say...

"So..you decided to hop onto a crosstown London bus and relentlessly slaughter men, women and children who not only had no quarrel with you, but didn't even share the same beliefs as the people you're fighting.

Not only did you do this heinous act in the most cowardly way possible, by ensuring that you would never, ever have to suffer any Earthly discomfort or imprisonment. But you also, and most importantly, did it for the basest of all human desires...sexual gratification.

Well, there's no easy way for me to say this and even if there was you don't deserve it. You thought you could commit one of the foulest and most despicable acts in the history of mankind and get away with it. Not only that, but you thought that once you had commited this atrocity against your fellow man, I would welcome you with open arms and Heaven could become you're very own sexual playground with you as the main attraction.

You thought wrong. This is not, nor shall it ever be the Playboy Mansion. I am not Hugh Hefner. You are not Larry Flynt.

Let me introduce some people to you before you go. All the people who were standing in line ahead and behind you were the unfortunate victims of your desperate attempt to get laid. All of these people will be in my presence for the rest of eternity. You, on the other hand, will not be joining them. Way to go dumbass.

You will get to spend an eternity in the deepest pit of Hell. I could tell you what horrors await you there but quite frankly it's more terrifying if you don't know what's coming, and I want you good and scared. Let's just say that there are no virgins waiting for your arrival and we'll leave it at that.

No...don't speak to me. I know you not. Goodbye."

Am I wrong for feeling satisfied after doling out the severe and irreversible punishment of an eternity in Hell?

Why don't you ask the family members of the victims that question.

I think I may need to explain the concept of the coincidence to some folks.

2005-07-12T20:06:00.000-04:00

OK people...let's go over the idea of the coincidence one more time. Some of you have obviously not been paying attention.

Here's the definiton of the word as given by my friends at Merriam-Webster :

co-in-ci-dence
1 : the act or condition of coinciding
2 : the occurrence of events that happen at the same time by accident but seem to have some connection

Now everyone. While the idea of the coincidence is fresh in all your minds, let's read the following actual news story.

East Chicago turns off 'Jesus image'
EAST CHICAGO, Ind.
City officials have turned off a streetlight that drew more than 250 people to see a shadow that some say resembles the image of Jesus Christ.
East Chicago Police Chief Angelo Machuca called an emergency meeting Sunday to recommend the light be turned off in the interest of public safety after nearby residents complained about blocked cars and visitors congregating until 5 a.m.
Several arrests were made Friday night after a large fight broke out in the area. "The city respects everyone's religious beliefs, but it's getting to the point now where it's almost too dangerous to leave the light on", said Damian Rico, the city's public relations director.
People have flocked to the site since Wednesday, when a woman first claimed to see the image on the side of a tree. The image is only visible at night when the streetlight near the tree is illuminated.
Machuca said his department doesn't have the manpower to maintain regular patrols and control the crowd. "The light will remain off until we can get some kind of solution," he said.

Do you all see how easily the concept of the coincidence explains that whole situation? It's so simple it's not even funny. How is the explanation these folks have come up with any more plausible then a good, old fashioned, traditional, stinking coincidence?

Seriously. Do you think I would manifest my presence as a shadow on the side of a tree in freakin' East Chicago, Indiana? If I was going to go through all that trouble why not make it something that's a little more visible? How many people are going to get to see that tree, a couple of hundred tops? God doesn't think small. If I wanted you guys to see me then take my word for it...you would. There'd be no question about it either. Atheist's would be saying "Dude...It's God. Wow, now I feel like a real dumbass."

And what exactly do these chuckleheads think is the point in getting into a fight at the scene? "Look everybody! Jesus has appeared as a shadow on the side of that maple tree...let's riot!" C'mon folks...do you really think anything that would cause a violent public disturbance is sanctioned by God? So you're all trying to tell me that the appearance of a "holy" image inspired you all to beat the shit out of your fellow man? Who exactly do you think you're kidding?

Are you all so desperate to find some concrete shred of my existence that you'll gladly go along with the first hairbrained idea some moron comes up with? Wait a minute...don't answer that.

Look, it's just a coincidence. Honest. I swear to Me.

Just because you have a pretzel that looks like Elvis Presley doesn't mean the "divine influence" of The King is at work. It's just a stinking coincidence. Sometimes a grilled cheese sandwich with the "image" of the Virgin Mary on it is simply a grilled cheese sandwich. No more, no less.

Think people...that's what your brain is for.

An interview with St. Peter...conducted by God.

2005-07-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

Hello all!

Today I thought I'd start a series of interviews with some of the folks who help me keep Heaven the most happenin' place in the afterlife.

Today's subject is St. Peter...who I affectionately call Pete.

First a little history...Pete and I go WAY back. He was one of the guys in my boy Jesus' posse in the Holy Land.

So without further delay, let's get started...

God : So Pete...I'm doing this blog thing and I thought it'd be cool to introduce some of the Senior Staff here in Heaven.
Pete : Oh cool! Hi everybody...I'm new to this intermural thing so bear with me!
God : Uh...that's internet thing pete...intermural is a totally different concept altogether.
Pete : Oh, my bad. Sorry folks!
God : So Pete, you wanna tell everyone how we got hooked up together?
Pete : Sure God. Well, I was one of Jesus' 12 Apostles during his Great Crusade in overcoming Original Sin. I remember my brother Andrew and I were fishermen on the Sea of Gennesaret when we first met JC. He invited us to come with him and we did...man did we do some walking! JC and I became pretty tight during our travels together. The 12 of us stayed close until that prick Judas dropped a dime on JC and got him busted. Then myself and the 10 other Apostles decided to carry on the Mission after JC left...which I did faithfully until I was executed in Rome.
God : Now, after death you came up here and I gave you a job, isn't that right Pete.
Pete : Oh yeah. I've got a sweet gig! I'm the guy who figures out if you're supposed to be here or not. It's a pretty prestigious position, all things considered. Especially after those embarassing denials of JC. I mean, he told me I was gonna do it...and I was like "no way JC...I'm your dawg!"...man, I felt stupid. Not only did I do it once...I did it 3 stinking times.
God : Bygones Pete...bygones.
Pete : Thanks God. That really means a lot coming from you.
God : You know, a lot of people don't know that you're actually the first Pope in Catholicism.
Pete : Yeah...that's true. Although I didn't get a chance to be in office while I was alive...it was sort of a postmortem kind of appointment. I've always wanted to wear that hat...even if it was just once. But sadly I never got the chance. I did get that sweet ass St. Peter's Basilica built in my honor. That was pretty righteous.
God : Is there anything you'd like to say about the current state of the Catholic Church while you're here?
Pete : Actually there is. I want all you pedophile priests out there to listen up because you obviously misunderstood something. When JC said "suffer the little children to come unto me" he didn't mean what you guys apparantly think he meant. Look I know you get horny...I totally sympathize with you there. But which do you think is a bigger sin...masterbation or molestation. I'll give you a hint...do the one that doesn't involve the frickin' Alter Boys.
God : Well said Pete...
Pete : I'm sorry God...that kinda stuff just pisses me off. If those clergy punks really understood the crap that all of us went through they might try and keep their frickin' hands off the damn Alter Boys. Let me tell you all something, I didn't watch people get eaten by Lions in the Roman Coliseum or get crucified upside down just so you guys could go all Sodom and Gamorah in your rectory.
God : Well alrighty then...I think that about does it for now Pete...
Pete : I mean come on fellas...rectory is simply an unfortunate name...it's not an indicator of how you should behave in there.
God : Ok Pete...I think that's enough for now...
Pete : I tell ya...I love it when those kiddie diddlers show up at the gates...all ready to get into Heaven and an Eternity basking in your infinite wisdom and glory. I tell them "I got bad news for you Monsignore Wilson...Heaven ain't on your agenda this evening...you're going down to the burning pit of Hell sucker! I got 2 words for your heathen ass...Timmy Addison...do you remember little Timmy Addison?? Because he sure as hell rememebers you Monsignore Wilson."
God : Ummm...Pete...
Pete : And then they get all "Who? I'm sure I don't remember anything like that at all...I was a servent of the Lord...I led a chaste life. I did great things in the name of the Almighty Father."
God : Uh...
Pete : Then I hit them with "Chaste? Don't you mean Chased...you filthy stinkin' pervert! All you ever did was chase after the little boys in the Parish. We don't exactly classify that as a great thing up here pal."
God : Pete...listen...
Pete : I'm sorry...I'm sorry. I just get pissed. I mean, I was in prison for years and I never once looked at a little boy and went "Damn, I gotsta get me some of that."
God : Well so anyway...I think we're all done here Pete...uh, maybe you should head back to the Pearly Gates.
Pete : You're right...you're right as usual Heavenly Father...maybe I should take a walk and cool down a little before heading back to my post. There's no worse way to comdemn someone to an eternity in Hell then to be in a crabby mood while I'm doing it...I mean those people are about to have a bad enough time without me getting all pissy with them.
God : Breathe dude...it'll be ok...I promise.

Holy crap. Pete was pissed off! I've never seen him so steamed. That was awesome! I thought he was gonna go on a rampage.

Man, well I hope you guys learned something today...this is just the first in a series of interviews I'd like to do.

People automatically assume I'm the only one up here but in reality it takes the skills of a highly coordinated group of people to keep Heaven running smoothly. So I want to share the spotlight, so to speak.

So take care until next time...and listen to St. Pete...keep your hands off the little kids you filthy bastards.

I need my Lost fix.

2005-07-09T21:30:00.000-04:00

It's been months...long, agonizing months.

What happened to Sawyer, Michael, and Jin?

Where were those Deliverence looking rejects taking Walt?

Is Charlie back on the smack?

What the hell is inside that hatch anyway?

I need answers people, and I need them now. Strangely enough, I find myself unable to peer into the mind of J.J. Abrams in order to figure out what the hell he's got planned. I hope it's due to my subconscious desire to not have the show ruined and not due to the fact that J.J. is totally flying by the seat of his pants.

I have full faith in Abrams for a couple of seasons of Lost. Up until this past season of Alias I was hooked on that show as well. I really dug the whole "Rambaldi" angle...I loved Arvin Sloane, he was such a great bad guy. He reminds me a lot of a younger Satan...man, they both really know how to stick it to you.

But with the addition of Sydney's sister, Nadia, to the show I found my interest waning. It kind of caught me by surprise, and very few things can claim that distinction, but once Nadia was brought onto the show as a regular cast member, she just didn't work for me.

The first problem I had was that I totally didn't believe her as Sydney's sister. I mean, Jennifer Garner is smoking hot...regardless of her little Affleck episode...but Mia Maestro just didn't do it for me. I also hate Sloane as a good guy. That dude was born and bred for evil...and it's what he should be doing.

Besides that, after the stuff he's done to Syd (killing Danny, her fiance), Dixon (having Dixon's wife killed) and Jack (had an affair with Jack's wife Irina which produced Nadia), I totally cannot see these people voluntarily going back to work with Arvin Sloane.

Then you've got Vaughn (or whatever the hell is name is) and Weiss working with Sloane as well...those guys know as well as anyone how delightfully evil Arvin Sloane is but they still find themselves working with him...Weiss is even dating Sloane's daughter Nadia for pete's sake.

There's no way in hell any of these people would be working with Arvin Sloane unless they were waiting for a good opportunity to stick an icepick into his skull. Not to mention after spending years beating the Rambaldi concept into our brains, J.J. lets the entire recent season pass by with only cursory mentions of Milo Rambaldi or anything connected to him.

I hope J.J. noticed that the ratings were slipping on Alias and has taken steps to fix the problems...I also hope he's learned a valuable lesson that he can apply to Lost as well. People are digging what he's doing with all those poor castaways and while we expect him to build on what he's done in the past we don't like it when you spend 3 seasons in one direction and then suddenly switch around on us.

I need my Lost fix people...I know the next season will be good and I'm ready for it to start.

Maybe, if I'm lucky, Alias will kick ass again too. Alias and Lost...two kickass shows...ABC better not screw them up or there'll be hell to pay.

ABC, Don't make me angry...you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Greatest. Invention. Ever.

2005-07-08T20:43:00.000-04:00

So I was sitting around the heavenly residence today, watching the Cosmos work according to my divine plan, when one of my Angels wandered into my office.

God : "Hey Zerial...what can I do for you today?"

Zerial : "Do you have time to answer a question Omnipotent One?"

God : "Are you kidding? I've got so much time it's not even funny...ask away."

Zerial : "Well, some of the fellas and I were telling a couple of the new arrivals about your wonderous nature and infinite wisdom, when we started talking about everything you've created...you know on Earth.

God : "Go on."

Zerial : "Well, one of the new people asked what your favorite living thing was...I, of course, said Mankind."

God : "And..."

Zerial : " Well then, Azmodius said it was the Dolphin...then Oliander said it was the Lion...and I'm ashamed to admit this sir, but we ended up in a bit of a heated discussion about the subject."

God : "So, you came all the way up here to ask me what my favorite living thing is."

Zerial : "Yes sir...if I'm imposing I can always come back later."

God : "No, no. That won't be necessary...and besides it's a very easy question for me to answer. At first I was afraid you were going to ask me to explain something complicated, like the Electorial College, or the College Football National Rankings."

Zerial : "Well, now that you mention it..."

God : "Let's save those for later Zerial...now, you can go back and tell Azmodius, Oliander, Rafaelia and all the rest that my favorite living creature is the Dog."

Zerial : "The Dog."

God : "Yup...I love me some puppies.

Zerial : "So...you're telling me that the favorite living thing out of all you've created is...the Dog."

God : "You sound disappointed."

Zerial : "Oh no...not at all sir...it just wasn't what I was expecting, that's all."

God : "And what, exactly, we're you expecting?"

Zerial : "Well, like I said, I guessed Mankind...but I could see maybe the Giant Sequoia Trees, or maybe the Humpback Whale, or maybe even the Loch Ness Monster...but the Dog, it just seems kinda unexciting."

God : "What exactly is wrong with that?"

Zerial : "Nothing...I mean, you're so much smarter then I am...it just wasn't what I was expecting is all."

God : "Well that it...Dogs rule Zerial...will there be anything else?"

Zerial : "No sir...thanks for your time sir."

God : "Anytime...and don't worry, I'm not mad that you've been falling asleep at your desk."

Zerial : "...oh, well...thank you again sir!"

I can't begin to tell you how much it disturbs me to think that there could be an "anti-Dog" bias among my Angels in Heaven.

I mean, how can you not love Dogs? They're fluffy, smart, loyal, protective...they truly are man's best friend. That's exactly how I wanted them to be. I knew that inevitably Man and Woman would have disagreements and Mankind would need someone who was always there for them. Always ready to share a lick or tail wag to make them feel better.

Dogs don't judge based on race. They don't care what your sexual preference is. They just like hanging around and making you feel good.

C'mon...look at those big sweeties...how can they not be my favorite?

Just Stop.

2005-07-07T23:07:00.000-04:00

Look.

I'm flattered that you dig me so much. Really.

But do not kill others in my name. I didn't want it in the past and I certainly don't want it now.

God is love...and love doesn't advocate the actions of the terrorist bastards who destroyed innocent lives today in London.

No one with any sense could ever think that anything positive could come from the atrocites committed today.

So, just stop...please. You've got it all wrong.

Finished reading Eragon today.

2005-07-06T23:29:00.000-04:00

I don't feel like posting too much today...

I saw another commercial for Bravo's new reality series Being Bobby Brown. Seeing it made me wonder why they didn't just get a regular guy who's a crackhead and a wife beater to be the star of the show. That way they wouldn't have to deal with Bobby at all.

Then it hit me.

I knew why they didn't get a "regular" guy with the same problems for their show...because no one would want to watch it.

The only reason people are tuning in to Being Bobby Brown is so they can watch a celebrity make an ass out of himself on national TV...if you can call Bobby Brown a celebrity of course.

It's a pretty good plan America. You elevate some slob into the catagory of "celebrity" so you can eventually and inevitably tear them back down and laugh at the shambles their lives become. If everyone is watching them battle their demons and make horrendous choices then no one's paying any attention to you.

While millions of eyes are on the faded celebrity, no one is worried about you...beating your children, cheating on your spouses, abusing drugs and alcohol...it's a damn fine plan America...hiding in plain sight.

While everyone is trying to decide whether or not Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are doing the horizontal tango you're free to do all the things you condemn celebrities for.

That doesn't seem two-faced at all.