Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway...

Hello again my children!

Today we'll be discussing diet, fitness and exercise.

I keep seeing a lot on TV and the media about the dieting/fitness boom that seems to be sweeping the USA.

"If you eat non-carbonated sea grass you'll live longer!"

Look, I don't know exactly how to break this to you so I'm just going to come out and say it...everything you eat, drink or breathe is in someway contributing to your eventual and unavoidable demise. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

When I created the Earth and put Adam and Eve (those 2 leacherous apple stealers...and don't even get me started on their insepid children. especially Cain, "bad apple" indeed) in the Garden of Eden and noticed the "hobbies" they immediately developed (note to self, next time decrease the sex drive) it quickly became apparant to me that in a few hundred thousand years I was going to have quite the population problem on my omnipotent hands. See, my original plan called for mankind to live hundreds and hundreds of years...well, with the rapidly increasing human population I could see that plan would have to be altered.

So I "vamped" Death up a little and decided that the Grim Reaper was going to need some help in fulfilling his duties. After man was banished from the Garden of Eden (the miserable apple stealers) they found themselves now relying on something other then fruits and vegetables to eat. They had become meat eaters, mainly after I, in a fit of rage, had given the animals free reign to kill and maim any humans who wandered too far away from their camp. So mankind, in revenge on the animals for killing their brethren, started eating the animals in retaliation...which of course pissed the animals off even more and made them want to eat even more humans. Goodness, I really do work in mysterious ways!

So while the animals and man were fighting and killing each other, I knew that mankind would eventually come out on top and I felt bad about the rough time the animals were having. Not to mention I still had this population problem I had to deal with. It was then that I had an epiphany. After man had eaten enough of the animals, a component inside the animals bodies called "cholesterol" would clog up their arteries and cause a death that was several hundred years premature! Thereby giving the animals the ultimate victory since I've always kind of liked them best anyway.

So to make a long story short, because it is a VERY long story...(I won't even go into why I had to make "good" cholesterol), mankind was now playing right along with my grand design. Go me!

The only hiccup I've faced in the milennia since came in the form of a doctor named Atkins, but a well placed patch of ice handled that problem quite nicely.

In summation, everything you eat, drink, smoke, ingest or invibe in any way shape or form is slowly killing you. I even made sunlight dangerous...that's how far in advance I thought this whole thing through.

So, do yourself a favor. Eat a burger...add cheese, chili, onions and mayonaisse. It's not going to make that much of a difference.