Sunday, January 08, 2006

Off to Word Press!

Hey everyone...I'm still here but I've moved everything over to my new home at

So pop in over there and we can continue the fun we began here.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

NBC has a set of balls that would choke Jenna Jameson...

Hi all...God here again.

This little news story popped up on my desk and I thought it was too interesting to pass on commenting about.

Here's the skinny...
2 TV Stations Refuse To Air 'The Book Of Daniel'

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. -- Two stations are refusing to air NBC's new series, "The Book of Daniel," which debuts Friday.

On its Web site, WTWO in Terre Haute, Ind., said its decision is "due to e-mails and calls from viewers."

In addition, KARK-TV in Little Rock, Ark., has decided not to air the program.

"After careful consideration, watching the program and most importantly listening to our viewers and engaging them in dialogue, we have decided not to air the NBC program," read a statement on the KARK Web site.

"The Book of Daniel" is about an Episcopal priest with a drug-dealing daughter and two sons, one gay and the other promiscuous. The priest and his wife have substance abuse problems, and he's shown having regular chats with a hip, therapeutic Jesus.

The American Family Association's Don Wildmon predicts that viewer protests will prompt more stations to cancel the show.
"We are tired of NBC's anti-Christian bigotry," Wildmon said.

The WTWO general manager said he won't let the network "make unilateral decisions affecting our viewers."
Wow...NBC has either finally grown a set of balls or the guy in charge of programming has lost his fucking be honest I can't tell which one it is.

But I can understand why mainstream Christianity might be upset at the shows premise. I mean they don't want you to see a TV show about religion that's so steeped in reality.

But enough of that...let's examine the complaints against the show.

"'The Book of Daniel' is about an Episcopal priest with a drug-dealing daughter and two sons, one gay and the other promiscuous.'

Let me tell you a little about the children of clergy think you had an oppressive upbringing and your Mom and Dad were unwilling to let you get out and experience just don't know baby. "Preacher's Kids" are subverted and controlled from such an early age that when they finally let go they go completely nuts. The stories I could tell you about the sweet prechers daughter and her after-church activities. They're certainly make for interesting viewing. This is right on folks...there's no anti-christian bias here. This is simply a truthful phenomenon within a lot of extremely religious families.

And whether or not you want to believe it, homosexuality is a fucking fact of life. Of course homosexuals exist in religious families...religious families are made up of people just like you, and people just like you are gay. There's no stigma attached to it except by the folks who unfortunately think they speak for me. Let me ask you something seriously...if homosexuality was bad then why would I allow it to exist? Didn't I create the entire universe and everything in it? Can something exist in my universe unless I allow it? The answer's easy, it can't. Love is love...I hate to resort to a bumber sticker analogy but it's so apt that nothing else fits...Love is love. Come on, grow up humanity.

"The priest and his wife have substance abuse problems...'

Well of course they have problems...real, meaningful problems. Can you imagine having to deal with the things these people have to face every day? Even with an abiding and deep love of what they do it can be overwhelming to anyone. Do you honestly expect me to sit here and tell you that I don't get bummed out over some of the inane shit you folks do to each other. Is it any wonder some of the clergymen and women turn to things that can take the edge off their lives? Do you think we've got the rash of child molestation in the preisthood because these guys are well-adjusted and normal members of society? Wake up folks...that's not an easy gig. Whether you agree or believe or have to admit...that's a tough way to make a living. Sometimes real people get involved with things that have consequences and the clergy are made up of real people.

...and he's shown having regular chats with a hip, therapeutic Jesus."

How shall I phrase this...I know. Hello! That's what Jesus was sent be someone to look to in times of trouble. It's ok to redo the bible every 6 months to soften the "language" and make it more "accesible" but it's not ok to envision Jesus Christ as a more mainsteam figure? If Jesus can't relate to your problems then how is he supposed to offer any spiritual guidence to you?!?! Of course he's therapeutic...that's his whole job. Jesus is a heavenly Therapist.

"We are tired of NBC's anti-Christian bigotry,"

Anti-Christian bigotry? You consider showing the real lives, trials and tribulations of a moral, christian family to be "anti-christian"...what they're doing is showing people that for all your posturing and pontificating you're really just like everyone else. Isn't that what really bothers you?

That's what this is really all about folks. They're afraid of losing all the theological power and superiority over people who in actuality are just as fucked up and in need of help as they are.

Human desires and failings are the great matter how pious someone may act, they're confronted with the same base desires and temptations as anyone else.

The reason I made it that way was in the vain hope that they'd never think themselves above the people they're supposed to be reaching out to...but as I've already stated, they do anyway.

"The Book of Daniel", the show that christianity doesn't want you to see...pull up a chair and take a peek behind the curtain.

It'll do the theological community a world of good if everyone gets to see beyond their bullshit and into the eyes of the men and women themselves.

Isn't confession good for the soul?

Monday, January 02, 2006

The Devil Has A Name...Diablo II

We're going through a rough patch at the Jehovah household.

Satan, being the sneaky bastard that he is, has managed to infiltrate and seduce my wife into the hellish world that I call Diablo II...again.

It all started innocently enough, she and I were enjoying our days off at the end of December (notice that I don't say Christmas, mainly due to the fact that Christmas has about as much to do with me as Easter does to the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins) when she casually asks me...
"Honey...where are the Diablo CD's for our computers?"
I knew things were headed downhill almost immediately.
"Uh...I think they're in your office sugarpop...why are you looking for them?"
I held my breath and waited...please don't ask for them...please don't ask for them...
"Can you go see if you can find them? I think I might start playing on my laptop for awhile."
Damn you Satan...why can't you leave me the hell alone?!?!

Let me tell you about this guy Satan...or should I say Luci...yeah, that real name's not quite so scary is it? He thought "Luci" was too feminine sounding and the first thing he did when I asked him to leave was come up with some new names in order to sound more imposing and "Luci" became "Lucifer". What a freakin' poser...seriously. You're an angel who dresses in white, carries around a stinkin' harp, is both male and female at the same time and loves Liberace. Well you're not fooling me "Satan", and if they rest of the Cosmos feels the need to fall for your cheap tricks and over the top theatrics then that's their business, but we both know about the time you hit your elbow on my golden throne and cried like a baby for 300 years. Yeah...I haven't forgotten, you big fuckin' baby.

So anyway, after I escorted Luci to the door he got all pissy and decided he was going to make my life as miserable as possible. But since he knew he had about as much power over me as Bill O'Reilly has over the American People he decided to be a real big badass and go after humanity. He knows I've got a softspot for you crazy little things and he also knows my deep and abiding love of liberty, individuality and the freedom of choice. He knew I wouldn't directly oppose the moronic stunts and ideals he would perpetrate on humanity because I'd be subverting the very ideals and dreams I'd built into each and everyone of you thereby pushing you further from me and closer towards him.

He knew (or thought he knew) that he'd basically have carté blanché to do whatever he liked...what he didn't expect (because I'm God, I make rules for breakfast you silly mofo) was my deployment of Jesus to Earth in order to give him a little competition. All's fair in love and war you satanic sissy.

But that's a different subject entirely...back to Diablo II.

Luci started getting involved with things that were "fun", things you all enjoyed doing...such as music, entertainment, etc. He basically took anything that you enjoyed doing and added his own unique influence to it.

How about an example? Sex is a prime example of what I'm talking about. Sure it was a population enhancing tool but it was also damn fun...I made sure that everyone would have a good time. Guys and girls could have fun with other guys and girls and there was nothing but fun to be had. But then Luci started adding all these variations...animals, dead bodies, insects, rape, incest...the list goes on and on. I can't tell you how distressing it is to see some of the stuff Luci came up with in practice.

I mean Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline? Dude...that's just wrong.

So Luci started gaining footholds in all the entertainment media which eventually included video games. He even thought it was funny to help develop a game called Diablo for PC and Macintosh. I'm not laughing you unoriginal bastard.

Now, humanity loved the hell out of the game Diablo but so did my wife who was the true and intended target of the insidiousness known as Diablo. She took to it like a duck takes to water.

So now, every 6 months or so my house is filled with clacking of her keyboard and the innumerable and incessent grunts and groans of little demons as she methodically slaughters them into the wee hours of the night. To make matters worse she's loaded the stinkin' thing onto her laptop which she can play while sitting in bed...the same bed that a certain omnipotent deity is trying to get some well deserved sleep.

So you've all been wondering why we've had 27 hurricanes this year, which sets a new meteorological record? Let me break it down for you...

That's right...Diablo.

I cannot wait until I get my hands on that scrawny little satanic neck of his...I'm sooo pissed.

Monday, November 28, 2005

God gives a quick review of "Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire"

Hello my children!

First let me state that I never intended to wait so long between posts but as Steve Miller once said "Time keeps on slippin', slippin'...into the future".

So anyway the Mrs. and I assumed human guises (Hey, it always worked for Zeus...that's a Greek Mythology reference for you uneducated losers out there, and yes I'm talking to you Steve H. in Ohio) and shuffled off to see Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire on opening weekend. We both had quite the time and she enjoyed the movie as much as I did. She still steadfastly refuses to read the books (Don't ask me why, even God doesn't understand the complexities of the female mind) so she didn't notice the changes scattered throughout the 2 and a half hour Potter-fest.

My opinion of the film is that it's now my favorite of the series, eclipsing the previous film Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban. Goblet of Fire seems to be less flashy then Prisoner of Azkaban, in that installment it almost seemed like the director, Alfonso Cuarón, was so giddy at having the enormous budget to play with that he couldn't resist adding all kinds of technical/cinematic wizardry just because he could. Goblet of Fire was much more straightforward and unassuming, which worked quite nicely.

As in the other films, the cast are spot on...I simply can't imagine anyone else but Rupert Grint as "Ron Weasley" and while Daniel Radcliffe is still kinda wooden in scenes he's really the only person I now see as "Harry Potter". Looking at Emma Watson makes me feel like a dirty, dirty Diety...she's gonna be so hot when she gets me folks, I know things. "Mad-Eye Moody", as played by Brendan Gleeson, absolutely rocks and I love every minute he's onscreen.

All in all the only complaints I have with the film are that there's too little of Alan Rickman, Gary Oldman and Jason Isaacs and the surprise "twist" (as though anyone, except my wife, didn't already know what it entailed) was kind of blown about 45 minutes from the end. Also, despite everyone else's opinion I don't care for Ralph Fiennes as "Lord Voldemort"...I think Tim Roth or Pierce Brosnan would've been a much better choice...both those guys can be scary. Who exactly could be scared of a dude who's name is pronounced "Raif" for Heaven's sake?

In closing, I rather enjoyed my latest visit to The Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and I'm really looking forward to the next film Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. If Hollywood keeps crankin' these Potter movies out at the rate of one a year they'll be breathing down J.K.'s back for that seventh book pretty soon. She'd better get busy and start pounding out that first draft.

As an all-knowing being it's been particularly hard to block out the ending of the series but so far I've managed it. That's the great thing about being undisputed master of all can actually limit your knowledge about things you'd rather not know about. Such as the ending of the Potter books, the secret of the island on Lost and what kind of "O" face Vice President Dick Cheney makes.

It comes in handy as hell, lemme tell ya.

I slipped once and accidentally caught Bea Arthur in the shower...I'm still trying to recover from that trauma.

So until next time, remember the words of Bill and Ted, "Be excellent to each other and party on dudes!"

Sunday, October 16, 2005

Settle down children...I'm still here.

So I've been picking up a lot of anxiety amongst the faithful regarding the lack of missives from a certain omnipotent universal creator recently. So, I just want to assure you all that despite what you might have heard, dreamed, or read in the Weekly World News, I am in fact alive and well. I haven't abandoned, forgotten, or discarded you. However, the work I'm doing in the Andromeda Galaxy is progressing quite well and could produce some incredible things.

I'm always astounded at how amazingly self-absorbed Humanity is; do you honest think you folks are they only game in town? Here I am, the creator and maintainer of the multiverse, working away keeping everything running as smoothly as possible and does anyone notice that little fact?


But if you miss a few measley Earth weeks on your blog the whole human populace goes all Courntey Love on your ass.

Nobody notices that the sun came up on time for the last 2 months. No one says a word about the fact Nature kept right on doing it's thing. Who do you think is doing all that work, Rodney Dangerfield? Talk about getting no respect...damn.

Listen folks, I've been around a long, long time. I'm not going anywhere. Just because I don't post on my blog for a few weeks doesn't mean that the universe has been plunged headlong into disorder. Have a little faith will ya.

Time for me is different then it is for you. Have you ever read the Bible? Of course you haven't...that was a rhetorical question (Louis from Maine, go to Merriam Webster's website for the definition of "rhetorical". You really should've paid closer attention in school. Drunk and stupid is no way to go through life son.) Anyway, back to my thought. In that little publication called the Bible, you know the most popular book in the history of books, I tell you that one of my days is like 10,000 years. So, you can understand my dismay at how worked up some of you have gotten about 3 or 4 lousy weeks of not posting here.

Get over yourselves...I'm busy.

But, I do understand where you're coming from. I've let my public relations department, aka The Church, do a pretty piss poor job of letting you all know what's going on with the Big G, hence the need for this blog.

So, in order to calm your fears and concerns I would like to announce that I will begin posting on a semi-regular basis. Now don't hold me to anything, I am God after all. I won't be subject to a schedule like a baseball game or car maintenance.

I'd seal our pact with a rainbow like I did with Noah after I promised not to flood the Earth again, but that would kinda detract from the statement I was making to humanity.

So I guess you'll just have to trust me.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

Why so quiet?

Well I've been inundated with prayers about why I've "forsaken" my blog.

I haven't gone anywhere children. I simply don't have anything to say right now.

The Celestial Office has been demanding quite a bit of my time recently and when I manage to drag my Heavenly Persona back to "Casa Jehovah" all I want to do is sit back and relax with Mrs. God, play a little Xbox, pet the dog and watch Family Guy DVD's.

I'm fortunate in that I can turn my omnipotence "off" once I get home otherwise I'd be thinking about work all night...and that makes Mrs. God really cranky. She married Jehovah Yahweh Elohim, which is a big enough hurdle without having to be married to The Almighty Lord God twenty-four hours a day. So I like to "turn it off" when I get home and maintain as normal a life as possible.

So once I've sufficiently rested and relaxed you can rest assured that I'll be posting more soon.

Now on to more pressing matters...

My heartfelt sympathies go out to everyone affected by Hurricane Katrina. I'm especially thinking about those poor souls in Louisiana. I know some of you may be wondering why I'm allowing something as heartwrenching as this to occur but you must realize that nature has to be allowed to run her course.

I stalled Katrina out in the ocean for as long as was feasible, giving everyone plenty of time and opportunity to make preparations. So as harsh as it may seem, those who decided to "ride out" the storm are now doing so.

I'd say that was a pretty bad decision on their part but hey, I gave you all free will for a reason. If you want to exercise it at a really bad now...then who am I to talk you out of it.

Be safe out there and I'll talk to you all soon.

Oh, before I forget...Aaron, if you don't stop picking on your sister she's going to tell Mom about your Playboy collection and your unnatural attraction to Bea Arthur. Consider yourself warned young man.

Carry on...

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

I couldn't have said it better myself...

This ladies and gentlemen is what I like to call "righteous indignation".

Take notes...this is how you put together a professional level rant.

NASCAR lovers unite against the evil that is Kurt Busch! Satan is a pussy next to the all consuming evil of the "man" known as Kurt Busch.

Kurt. Fucking. Busch.