The Devil Has A Name...Diablo II

We're going through a rough patch at the Jehovah household.

Satan, being the sneaky bastard that he is, has managed to infiltrate and seduce my wife into the hellish world that I call Diablo II...again.

It all started innocently enough, she and I were enjoying our days off at the end of December (notice that I don't say Christmas, mainly due to the fact that Christmas has about as much to do with me as Easter does to the undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins) when she casually asks me...

"Honey...where are the Diablo CD's for our computers?"

I knew things were headed downhill almost immediately.

"Uh...I think they're in your office sugarpop...why are you looking for them?"

I held my breath and waited...please don't ask for them...please don't ask for them...

"Can you go see if you can find them? I think I might start playing on my laptop for awhile."

Damn you Satan...why can't you leave me the hell alone?!?!

Let me tell you about this guy Satan...or should I say Luci...yeah, that real name's not quite so scary is it? He thought "Luci" was too feminine sounding and the first thing he did when I asked him to leave was come up with some new names in order to sound more imposing and threatening...so "Luci" became "Lucifer". What a freakin' poser...seriously. You're an angel who dresses in white, carries around a stinkin' harp, is both male and female at the same time and loves Liberace. Well you're not fooling me "Satan", and if they rest of the Cosmos feels the need to fall for your cheap tricks and over the top theatrics then that's their business, but we both know about the time you hit your elbow on my golden throne and cried like a baby for 300 years. Yeah...I haven't forgotten, you big fuckin' baby.

So anyway, after I escorted Luci to the door he got all pissy and decided he was going to make my life as miserable as possible. But since he knew he had about as much power over me as Bill O'Reilly has over the American People he decided to be a real big badass and go after humanity. He knows I've got a softspot for you crazy little things and he also knows my deep and abiding love of liberty, individuality and the freedom of choice. He knew I wouldn't directly oppose the moronic stunts and ideals he would perpetrate on humanity because I'd be subverting the very ideals and dreams I'd built into each and everyone of you thereby pushing you further from me and closer towards him.

He knew (or thought he knew) that he'd basically have carté blanché to do whatever he liked...what he didn't expect (because I'm God, I make rules for breakfast you silly mofo) was my deployment of Jesus to Earth in order to give him a little competition. All's fair in love and war you satanic sissy.

But that's a different subject entirely...back to Diablo II.

Luci started getting involved with things that were "fun", things you all enjoyed doing...such as music, entertainment, etc. He basically took anything that you enjoyed doing and added his own unique influence to it.

How about an example? Sex is a prime example of what I'm talking about. Sure it was a population enhancing tool but it was also damn fun...I made sure that everyone would have a good time. Guys and girls could have fun with other guys and girls and there was nothing but fun to be had. But then Luci started adding all these variations...animals, dead bodies, insects, rape, incest...the list goes on and on. I can't tell you how distressing it is to see some of the stuff Luci came up with in practice.

I mean Brittney Spears and Kevin Federline? Dude...that's just wrong.

So Luci started gaining footholds in all the entertainment media which eventually included video games. He even thought it was funny to help develop a game called Diablo for PC and Macintosh. I'm not laughing you unoriginal bastard.

Now, humanity loved the hell out of the game Diablo but so did my wife who was the true and intended target of the insidiousness known as Diablo. She took to it like a duck takes to water.

So now, every 6 months or so my house is filled with clacking of her keyboard and the innumerable and incessent grunts and groans of little demons as she methodically slaughters them into the wee hours of the night. To make matters worse she's loaded the stinkin' thing onto her laptop which she can play while sitting in bed...the same bed that a certain omnipotent deity is trying to get some well deserved sleep.

So you've all been wondering why we've had 27 hurricanes this year, which sets a new meteorological record? Let me break it down for you...

That's right...Diablo.

I cannot wait until I get my hands on that scrawny little satanic neck of his...I'm sooo pissed.