I saw a funny headline a couple of days ago...wrap your minds around this one for a second
Young Boys Wankdorf erection relief
Now let me explain...the article attached to that headline is about a new stadium called the "Wankdorf", being built for a Swiss Soccer team called the "Young Boys". How the hell they came up with this particular headline is beyond even the wisest mortal man. I'm God and even I can't believe someone actually thought that was a good idea for a headline. This appeared on ESPN.com by the way. So apparantly they're got a comedian writing copy for them.
While we're talking about shit that doesn't make any sense, I offer up for examination the lyrics from R. Kelly's R&B Opera "In the Closet, Part 2". Please be prepared, cheesy song stylings are ahead :
Well now he's staring at me like as if he was staring in the mirror
She yells, "Honey let me explain"
He says, "You don't have to go no further"
"I can clearly see what's going on behind my back, in my bed, in my home"
Then I said, "wait a minute now hold on"
I said, "Mister we can work this out"
She said "honey don't lose control"
I tried to get him to calm down
He said "oh I should have known
That you would go and do some bogus shit up in my house
But the Christian in me gave you the benefit of the doubt"
I said "we need to resolve this"
And he stepped to me I'm like "whoa
There's a reason I'm in this closet"
He says "yeah? What are you talking clothes?"
"I met this girl at the bodja club and she told me she didn't have a man"
Then he said "man please I'd kill you if you didn't have that gun in your hand"
And then I said "but your chick chose me"
He said "don't give me that mack shit please"
His phone goes off and then things get a little more interesting
He steps a little closer I point my gun and say "I'm not the one you after"
He says "something I bet you didn't know my man... Did she tell you that I was a pastor?"
I said "well good that's better right? Why can't we handle this Christian-like?"
And I started to put the gun down until I saw his face still had a frown
She started crying, saying "baby I'm sorry"
Then he said "baby not as sorry as you're gonna be"
I started inching out
He says "no I want you to see this"
He said "I gotta get out this house, and not 'til I reveal this secret"
I'm like "what is going on inside his head?"
Then he takes his phone and calls someone up himself
"Hello" (hello?)
"Baby?" (aha)
"Turn the car around" (what's going on over there?)
"Listen, I just need for you to get right back here now"
He looks at me and says "well since we're all coming out the closet
I'm not about to be the only one that's broken-hearted"
She said "what do you mean?"
He said "just wait and see"
I said "somebody better talk to me"
And then his phone rings
He picks up and somebody says "sweetheart I'm downstairs"
And he's like "I'll buzz you up
I'm on the 5th floor hurry take the stairs"
And I'm like "who is this mystery lady that you're talking to?"
And he says "in time you both will know the shocking truth
Baby this is something I've been wanting to get off my chest for a long, long time"
And I said "nigga I'm gonna shoot you both if you don't say what's on your mind"
He said "wait I hear somebody coming up the stairs"
And I'm looking at the door
He says "I think you better sit down in the chair"
I said "I'm gonna count to 4"
"1..."
he says "mister wait!"
"2..."
he says "please don't shoot"
"3..."
he says "don't shoot me"
"4..."
She screams
Then a knock on the door
The gun's in my hand
He opens the door
I'll be goddammned it's a man
(man... man... man...)
I'm not sure where to begin...this is absolutely the worst song ever committed to a recording. The only thing worse then the lyrics for this poor ass excuse for a song is hearing the master of the Golden Shower, R. Kelly sing this musical monstrosity. I cannot impress upon you the velvetta cheese factor involved with this thing. If you're surfing by MTV sometime, hang out and if you're lucky (?) you might catch the video. Mrs. God and I sat dumbstruck as it played. Just imagine how bad it sounds right here and realize that the real thing is even worse then that.
What I love about the lyrics is this little passage right here :
He steps a little closer I point my gun and say "I'm not the one you after"
He says "something I bet you didn't know my man... Did she tell you that I was a pastor?"
I said "well good that's better right? Why can't we handle this Christian-like?"
So let me get this straight, a guy found with a married woman by her husband and carrying a gun has the audacity to ask "Why can't we handle this Christian-like?" to a pastor? What the fuck?
While we're talking about things that don't add up, seeing skinny ass, non threatening R. Kelly with his head all in cornrows, dressed like a Scarface wannabe and waving a gun around is about as funny as anything I've ever seen. I doubt he has the strength in his fingers to pull the trigger on that gun, much less the balls to actually shoot someone. So on the "intimidation scale" I'm going to have to give R. Kelly a minus 4.
Snoop Dogg, Doctor Dre, Tupac and Suge Knight are scary...R. Kelly not quite so much. Nice try though...it's hard to be afraid of someone who pisses on underage girls and videotapes it for future viewing. Al Capone he ain't.
So until next time children...take care!
