I know I shouldn't laugh at them...but I just can't help it.

So it seems the British have finally figured out that the attacks on London were indeed carried out by suicide bombers. Sometimes I simply cannot believe how gullible people can be.

"Strap your bodies with C4 plastic explosives and strike a blow against the Imperialist West!"

Let's examine that idea for a second...I think I may have found a flaw in their plan.

I can see the terrorist brainstorming session going a little something like this :

"Ok, so we've all decided that instead of a more "traditonal" style of warfare, we're going to do something that's just a little bit different. We all figure that people just shooting other people is getting really old. Killing just yourselves in protest doesn't seem like that good an idea, after all, it didn't work worth a damn for the Buddhist Monks during the Vietnam War. If only there was a way to make a "sacrifice" for the cause and get a shitload of attention at the same time.

Hmmm...what should we do?

Wait a minute, I've got it! Let's blow ourselves up in crowded public places! Yeah! That'll show them!

No, no...that'll never work. Eventually we'll run out of dedicated volunteers. You know the same thing happened to the Japanese during WWII when they adopted the "kamikazi" tactic.

Damn...how can we get people excited about blowing themselves up? What we need are alienated and socially awkward young people. They're already in a natural state of rebellion and they're looking for ways to piss off their parents and the world at large. But the problem is that young people are notoriously flakey when it comes to their ideals. They'll change their minds on a moments notice.

What in the world could we use to ply these angry, sociopathic, alienated, hormonal young men? We need something to hook them into our cause.

Hey! What about sex! Yeah...we could promise them sex, lots and lots of sex! That'd keep their asses interested in hanging around and attenting all the meetings. And, as an incentive for them to not back out at the last minute we can offer them...more sex...yeah, in Heaven! Awesome!

We'll tell them 'If you allow us to wire your bodies with copious amounts of high explosives, so you can detonate yourselves at a safe distance from us if you please, we will in turn put in a good word with the staff in Heaven so you can have unending amounts of sex with virgins and whatnot for the rest of eternity!'

Brilliant! Gentlemen, let's go have ourselves a Jihad!"

Sounds crazy don't it?

Except that it works...really, really well.

Here's the problem. Once these "martyrs" arrive at the Pearly Gates and meet my man Pete (St. Peter to the uninitiated) they have a little bit of a shock in store for them.

Before we get into that, let me tell you why people are sorted into Heaven or Hell at the Pearly Gates and not simply while they're in transit from Life to the Afterlife...I like drama. I like to build the suspense and tension a little. There's nothing greater to "put the fear of God" into someone then to have them stand in line just outside of Paradise for a couple of hours. All the while watching the souls in front of them either win entrance to my Hallowed Halls or get flushed to spend a long hot eternity in Hell.

So anyway, these "martyrs" are particularly easy to spot in the line. They're the ones still smoking, with holes all in their clothes and that "Where the fuck are all the virgins?" look in their eyes.

I have to admit, I lean a little onto the edge of my seat and get ready for the show. I know...I'm a bad God.

Once these smoking pricks make their way through Pete's line, the magic moment is upon them...it's showtime folks.

I make my grand entrance...accompanied by beautiful, sensual cherubic attendants. I walk up to them, take their hand, look them dead in the eyes and say...

"So..you decided to hop onto a crosstown London bus and relentlessly slaughter men, women and children who not only had no quarrel with you, but didn't even share the same beliefs as the people you're fighting.

Not only did you do this heinous act in the most cowardly way possible, by ensuring that you would never, ever have to suffer any Earthly discomfort or imprisonment. But you also, and most importantly, did it for the basest of all human desires...sexual gratification.

Well, there's no easy way for me to say this and even if there was you don't deserve it. You thought you could commit one of the foulest and most despicable acts in the history of mankind and get away with it. Not only that, but you thought that once you had commited this atrocity against your fellow man, I would welcome you with open arms and Heaven could become you're very own sexual playground with you as the main attraction.

You thought wrong. This is not, nor shall it ever be the Playboy Mansion. I am not Hugh Hefner. You are not Larry Flynt.

Let me introduce some people to you before you go. All the people who were standing in line ahead and behind you were the unfortunate victims of your desperate attempt to get laid. All of these people will be in my presence for the rest of eternity. You, on the other hand, will not be joining them. Way to go dumbass.

You will get to spend an eternity in the deepest pit of Hell. I could tell you what horrors await you there but quite frankly it's more terrifying if you don't know what's coming, and I want you good and scared. Let's just say that there are no virgins waiting for your arrival and we'll leave it at that.

No...don't speak to me. I know you not. Goodbye."

Am I wrong for feeling satisfied after doling out the severe and irreversible punishment of an eternity in Hell?

Why don't you ask the family members of the victims that question.