An interview with St. Peter...conducted by God.

Hello all!

Today I thought I'd start a series of interviews with some of the folks who help me keep Heaven the most happenin' place in the afterlife.

Today's subject is St. Peter...who I affectionately call Pete.

First a little history...Pete and I go WAY back. He was one of the guys in my boy Jesus' posse in the Holy Land.

So without further delay, let's get started...

God : So Pete...I'm doing this blog thing and I thought it'd be cool to introduce some of the Senior Staff here in Heaven.
Pete : Oh cool! Hi everybody...I'm new to this intermural thing so bear with me!
God : Uh...that's internet thing pete...intermural is a totally different concept altogether.
Pete : Oh, my bad. Sorry folks!
God : So Pete, you wanna tell everyone how we got hooked up together?
Pete : Sure God. Well, I was one of Jesus' 12 Apostles during his Great Crusade in overcoming Original Sin. I remember my brother Andrew and I were fishermen on the Sea of Gennesaret when we first met JC. He invited us to come with him and we did...man did we do some walking! JC and I became pretty tight during our travels together. The 12 of us stayed close until that prick Judas dropped a dime on JC and got him busted. Then myself and the 10 other Apostles decided to carry on the Mission after JC left...which I did faithfully until I was executed in Rome.
God : Now, after death you came up here and I gave you a job, isn't that right Pete.
Pete : Oh yeah. I've got a sweet gig! I'm the guy who figures out if you're supposed to be here or not. It's a pretty prestigious position, all things considered. Especially after those embarassing denials of JC. I mean, he told me I was gonna do it...and I was like "no way JC...I'm your dawg!"...man, I felt stupid. Not only did I do it once...I did it 3 stinking times.
God : Bygones Pete...bygones.
Pete : Thanks God. That really means a lot coming from you.
God : You know, a lot of people don't know that you're actually the first Pope in Catholicism.
Pete : Yeah...that's true. Although I didn't get a chance to be in office while I was alive...it was sort of a postmortem kind of appointment. I've always wanted to wear that hat...even if it was just once. But sadly I never got the chance. I did get that sweet ass St. Peter's Basilica built in my honor. That was pretty righteous.
God : Is there anything you'd like to say about the current state of the Catholic Church while you're here?
Pete : Actually there is. I want all you pedophile priests out there to listen up because you obviously misunderstood something. When JC said "suffer the little children to come unto me" he didn't mean what you guys apparantly think he meant. Look I know you get horny...I totally sympathize with you there. But which do you think is a bigger sin...masterbation or molestation. I'll give you a hint...do the one that doesn't involve the frickin' Alter Boys.
God : Well said Pete...
Pete : I'm sorry God...that kinda stuff just pisses me off. If those clergy punks really understood the crap that all of us went through they might try and keep their frickin' hands off the damn Alter Boys. Let me tell you all something, I didn't watch people get eaten by Lions in the Roman Coliseum or get crucified upside down just so you guys could go all Sodom and Gamorah in your rectory.
God : Well alrighty then...I think that about does it for now Pete...
Pete : I mean come on fellas...rectory is simply an unfortunate name...it's not an indicator of how you should behave in there.
God : Ok Pete...I think that's enough for now...
Pete : I tell ya...I love it when those kiddie diddlers show up at the gates...all ready to get into Heaven and an Eternity basking in your infinite wisdom and glory. I tell them "I got bad news for you Monsignore Wilson...Heaven ain't on your agenda this evening...you're going down to the burning pit of Hell sucker! I got 2 words for your heathen ass...Timmy Addison...do you remember little Timmy Addison?? Because he sure as hell rememebers you Monsignore Wilson."
God : Ummm...Pete...
Pete : And then they get all "Who? I'm sure I don't remember anything like that at all...I was a servent of the Lord...I led a chaste life. I did great things in the name of the Almighty Father."
God : Uh...
Pete : Then I hit them with "Chaste? Don't you mean Chased...you filthy stinkin' pervert! All you ever did was chase after the little boys in the Parish. We don't exactly classify that as a great thing up here pal."
God : Pete...listen...
Pete : I'm sorry...I'm sorry. I just get pissed. I mean, I was in prison for years and I never once looked at a little boy and went "Damn, I gotsta get me some of that."
God : Well so anyway...I think we're all done here Pete...uh, maybe you should head back to the Pearly Gates.
Pete : You're right...you're right as usual Heavenly Father...maybe I should take a walk and cool down a little before heading back to my post. There's no worse way to comdemn someone to an eternity in Hell then to be in a crabby mood while I'm doing it...I mean those people are about to have a bad enough time without me getting all pissy with them.
God : Breathe dude...it'll be ok...I promise.

Holy crap. Pete was pissed off! I've never seen him so steamed. That was awesome! I thought he was gonna go on a rampage.

Man, well I hope you guys learned something today...this is just the first in a series of interviews I'd like to do.

People automatically assume I'm the only one up here but in reality it takes the skills of a highly coordinated group of people to keep Heaven running smoothly. So I want to share the spotlight, so to speak.

So take care until next time...and listen to St. Pete...keep your hands off the little kids you filthy bastards.