Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway...

Hello again my children!

Today we'll be discussing diet, fitness and exercise.

I keep seeing a lot on TV and the media about the dieting/fitness boom that seems to be sweeping the USA.

"If you eat non-carbonated sea grass you'll live longer!"

Look, I don't know exactly how to break this to you so I'm just going to come out and say it...everything you eat, drink or breathe is in someway contributing to your eventual and unavoidable demise. Sorry, but that's just the way it is.

When I created the Earth and put Adam and Eve (those 2 leacherous apple stealers...and don't even get me started on their insepid children. especially Cain, "bad apple" indeed) in the Garden of Eden and noticed the "hobbies" they immediately developed (note to self, next time decrease the sex drive) it quickly became apparant to me that in a few hundred thousand years I was going to have quite the population problem on my omnipotent hands. See, my original plan called for mankind to live hundreds and hundreds of years...well, with the rapidly increasing human population I could see that plan would have to be altered.

So I "vamped" Death up a little and decided that the Grim Reaper was going to need some help in fulfilling his duties. After man was banished from the Garden of Eden (the miserable apple stealers) they found themselves now relying on something other then fruits and vegetables to eat. They had become meat eaters, mainly after I, in a fit of rage, had given the animals free reign to kill and maim any humans who wandered too far away from their camp. So mankind, in revenge on the animals for killing their brethren, started eating the animals in retaliation...which of course pissed the animals off even more and made them want to eat even more humans. Goodness, I really do work in mysterious ways!

So while the animals and man were fighting and killing each other, I knew that mankind would eventually come out on top and I felt bad about the rough time the animals were having. Not to mention I still had this population problem I had to deal with. It was then that I had an epiphany. After man had eaten enough of the animals, a component inside the animals bodies called "cholesterol" would clog up their arteries and cause a death that was several hundred years premature! Thereby giving the animals the ultimate victory since I've always kind of liked them best anyway.

So to make a long story short, because it is a VERY long story...(I won't even go into why I had to make "good" cholesterol), mankind was now playing right along with my grand design. Go me!

The only hiccup I've faced in the milennia since came in the form of a doctor named Atkins, but a well placed patch of ice handled that problem quite nicely.

In summation, everything you eat, drink, smoke, ingest or invibe in any way shape or form is slowly killing you. I even made sunlight dangerous...that's how far in advance I thought this whole thing through.

So, do yourself a favor. Eat a burger...add cheese, chili, onions and mayonaisse. It's not going to make that much of a difference.

Tom Cruise and Scientology.

Alright, so i know that I'm kinda breaking my edict about "no religious dogma" but what the heck...The reason I made rules was to break them.

So children, let's talk about Scientology...or as we call it up here in Heaven, "that amazingly stupid L. Ron Hubbard crap".

L. Ron Hubbard was the absolute worst science-fiction writer of his time...trust me on this. The idea that this "writer" could come up with a "religion" of his own continues to amaze me even though I knew full well he was going to make it work. Never discount the gullabilty of people looking for acceptance and fellowship.

Now, I've got nothing against Tom Cruise...I mean, I created him after all...but what in My name does he think he's doing?

As divinely funny as I try to be, I must admit with a touch of shame that nothing you see on this blog will be anywhere near as funny as the concepts behind Scientology. I mean, really...people packed into interstellar airplanes, clustered around volcanoes here on Earth, their physical bodies destroyed by Hydrogen Bombs, only to have "body thetans" linger on Earth to torment mankind, "body thetans" that can only be driven away by connecting yourself to a "E-Meter" and spending $360,000.

Sounds like bad sci-fi doesn't it...hmmmm. That's because it IS bad sci-fi. I'm talking BAD sci-fi...much worse then Timecop, or Matrix Revolutions even. Plan 9 From Outer Space is better written then the story of "Xenu" as recounted in Scientology.

Is it really any wonder L. Ron Hubbard had such a dislike of the mental health industry? He just got tired of hearing things like "crazy as a loon", "complete nutcase" or "should be heavily medicated and locked away from society".

Scientology is a joke...a big one. We laugh about it all the time up here. I mean as crazy as Jim Jones or David Koresh was at least they had the good sense to keep their outlandish claims based in some partially accepted theological ideas.

Let me close by telling you all a little something about Tom Cruise...it doesn't matter how many "OT's" hes done, or how many times he's had dinner with "Xenu". He still wets his bed and cries himself to sleep at night for Nicole Kidman...and L. Ron Hubbard isn't laughing at him from above. I am.

Good Afternoon!

So I'm sitting up here in Heaven, relaxing a bit while the Universe spins around me, listening to my Angels and Cherubs singing praises and it suddenly hits me.

My iPod is the coolest invention in the last 10 years (trust me, I know things).

I mean, I appreciate all the attention the Heavenly Host deems fit to render unto me but sometimes I like listening to a little something different.

Currently I've been listening to Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire in anticipation of the newest book from my beautiful J.K. Rowling. I know, I know...why is God spending his time listening to the fictional tales of a boy wizard when there's work to be done and attention to be paid to very important things. That's easy. I like Harry Potter.

And I'll hear none of this "witchcraft is the domain of the devil" nonsense. Let me ask you something. Who created the universe and everything in it? That's right...I did. So if I created everything, then that means I created the concept of "witchcraft" as well.

What's so wrong with a little light and entertaining reading? Not everything I read has to be Death of a Salesman, Of Mice and Men, or Plato's Republic. Are you honestly trying to tell me that it's ok for you to read Dean Koontz, Jackie Collins and Nicholas Sparks but I can't read Harry Potter? Balderdash.

Let me give you all a little advice (which is kind of what I'm here for anyway), relax and live a little. Enjoy life...don't be so blasted serious all the time.

Sometimes you've got to slip on your invisibility cloak and sneak away to Hogsmeade for a butter beer with your friends.

Hi There! I'm God.

Although I feel no real need to introduce myself, I feel it would be rude and inconsiderate not to do so.

I am God.

Jehovah, Yahweh, Elohim...The Big Guy in the Sky.

Now I know what you're asking yourself (I am God after all), why does God need a blog? I feel this is an excellent way for me to communicate directly to you, my people, about some of the other cool things going on in your world.

Now, don't worry. I'm not going to be all fire and brimstone, sin and damnation...I've got people I pay to talk about that stuff all the time, so you won't have to worry about getting the Ten Commendments brought up every 5 minutes.

I mean, I didn't slave 6 days while creating the Earth just to get all up in your face about sin and whatnot.

I created you in my image, which means I share all the same interests you do. I like music, movies, tv, books...pop culture in general. I also thought it might be an excellent way to show my "human" side by letting my divine hair down a bit and having some fun with you all.

So, I feel as though I need to take a little time in my first post to answer some of the questions i receive on a daily basis.

1. Are you real?
Of course I am...who do you think set this blog up?

2. When I die will I go to heaven or hell?
Well, that's completely up to you isn't it. But since you're here and not downloading Peruvian kiddie porn I'd say you're certainly heading in the right direction.

3. Are aliens real? Is there other life in the universe?
Look, not to get down on you but you all seem to be having enough trouble handling yourselves without spending all your time worrying about some folks I may, or may not, have created on the other side of the galaxy. Let's get you straightened out first and then we'll talk about what might be out in the vast universal void.

4. Was Darwin right? Did man evolve from apes or was he created as is?
Both theories are correct. Man never ceases to amaze me. It's always "one or the other" without contemplating the possibility that more then one method might be involved. I created you and you then evolved. You don't have to look far to see evolution at work...just look at how the Playstation 1 has evolved into the Playstation 3. Do you honestly think I'd create the concept of evolution for you to use and not make use of it myself?

5. When I get to heaven will my pet dog/cat/rabbit/goldfish/parrot/python, etc be there?
Heaven is pure happiness and joy. Can you imagine spending your life without your cherished pets? Would you be happy knowing you'd never see them again? Of course not...so you've just answered your own question.

6. Will you help me get (insert desire here)?
Look, I've got the whole universe to run here. Occasionally I'll sneak out and catch a movie or watch some TV but for the most part I'm kinda busy. I suggest that if you want an Xbox 360 that badly you'd do well to start saving your nickels and dimes.

7. What exactly is the devils problem anyway?
Ahhh, well I'm afraid that's my fault. He needed more attention then I could give him and he got more and more extreme in his methods of getting it until I finally had to get stern with him. If only I had been able to spend more time with him during the creation things would all be different now. Learn from my mistake parents...never push your children aside for your work. You will regret it one day.

8. Why do you allow death and destruction?
Just imagine how crowded the Earth would be if no one ever died. Also, what would make life special and unique to you if it never ended and you had infinite time? Your leaders and politicians simply cannot manufacture war and conflict fast enough to do the job properly so I'm forced to step in. But since I'm so attached to you all I've created Death to impartially select at random so I can truly remain focused on making sure things run the way they're supposed to.

9. Is there really a hell where the soul is tormented for all eternity?
Yup.

10. What do you look like?
I look just like you. You were created in my image.

11. Why is the sky blue and the grass green? (I get this all the time from kids)
Just imagine how silly it would look if the sky was green and the grass was blue.

12. Why does everything (squirrel, rabbit, frog legs, etc.) taste like chicken?
I like chicken.